After my initial tears, I called my Mom.
We both agree this sucks and he sucks and it allllll sucks.
When I said “If this is all some part of an elaborate ruse I’m going to be really pissed.”
Mom accidentally brought the hammer down and said, “oh honey, don’t do THAT to yourself.” And with that, I firmly have told hope to fuck off.
I don’t want it. Hope. I want it to ball itself up into a crumpled heap and leave me alone.
So yeah, fuck off hope. You fuck right off.
I gave Boyfriend his Christmas presents when he got home from work Christmas Eve morning and then again on Christmas morning.
I gave him a paw print ornament from Puppy (we made it together, she hated every second) and some shower stuff Christmas Eve. Then Christmas I gave him a couple movies and two new pairs of shoes that he was wanting.
He gave me nothing.
Technically, he gave me some Disneyland trading pins a few months back as they arrived, but those were because he thought I would like them (he’s been ridiculously into those damned pins). He claims that the stuff he ordered for Christmas haven’t arrived yet. Which means they are probably more damned pins.
I don’t collect pins.
I wanted an engagement ring. I want him to admit that he loves me so much that he’s over his other marriage and his problems with “the institution of marriage” and that he wants me to be his wife.
But that seems not to be.
I guess he did get me something for Christmas, a continued sadness that I won’t be getting to marry the man that I love and the complex that I’m not good enough for him. I know he feels bad that he had to go to work and leave me crying after we talked today, but you know what? Let him. If I have to live with the truth that he doesn’t want to be married (again) then he has to live with the truth that it hurts me and makes me sad.
It’s not right and it’s not fair but it’s the way it is. He’s not leaving me, I’m not leaving him. I just may remain unmarried in my lifetime. There are worse things. We have a life together and we love each other. The only things missing are engagement ring, wedding bands and a wedding.
Even though I know I deserve those things, I also know that I can live without them. And it looks like I will continue to do so.
Returning to work in retail has been so wonderful for me, hard on my body but honestly, I’ve felt so much better about myself lately!
My calves are aching all the time, the bottom of my feet feel bruised, but I don’t hate going to work. Which feels so good! That being said, working retail during the holidays is less than fun most days.
People forget themselves, they forget their manners and they forget to be patient. But it’s alright, as long as you don’t work too long.
I worked 6 days straight. My body was screaming, but I packed a bag and went to Pole class after work and it was glorious! I finally executed a nemesis move, The Mermaid, which everyone else can do (it’s a Level 1 basic move and I’ve hated it always) and now I CAN TOO! I came home, took a bath and cuddled with Puppy.
Then this morning, sleeping past the alarm and relaxing most of the morning, lovely. But I had to get something done, so I BAKED!
I made my Grandma’s Cowboy Cookies, the ones she would make every Christmas when I was little.
I remember watching her make them when I was small, then helping when I was older. No one in the family remembers why they are called Cowboy Cookies, but that’s what they are called and they are absolutely some of the best chocolate chip cookies ever!
Sorry, but I won’t post the recipe, it’s too special to me. I’m sure you have special recipes from your family or friends that remind you of specific moments in your life; that’s what these treats are for me. Memories.
I give them to my friends and neighbors, I used to take them to The Cubicle Farm (I’ve already been messaged by my former co-workers that they are missing the cookies this Christmas haha!) and I’ll be taking them to The Store tomorrow to share my tradition with my new co-workers.
I’ve baked and baked all day, now I sit on the couch with a Doctor Who Marathon on the TV and Puppy snuggled so close to me you’d think she’s a part of my pajama pants. She even has her tiny paw draped over my leg onto the computer, like she wants me to hurry up and finish so she can get more cuddles!
I’d better comply, Puppy’s cuteness is starting to overwhelm me. 🙂
I love my family.
All sides. From the crazy, colorful, funny and fearless side to the painfully repressed; they are my family and I love them.
But I don’t want to deal with them this year. I should, with the death of my Father and Stepmother, I should want to do nothing but be around my family.
But I don’t. I don’t want to be around my father’s side of the family right now.
I feel bad, but I also know that it is better for me to handle myself the way I know how and to leave them be. They can keep any judgements to themselves, which they will anyway because they are all “too polite” to actually have awkward conversations that might result in actual results. See above: re repressed.
They mean well. They make all the right moves and say all the right things but the truth is I’ve never felt much of a connection to them. We’ve ALL tried. But when you have almost nothing in common with family, that’s when the trouble starts. People have to be free to feel comfortable and not feel like they have to watch what they say in case they accidentally spark off a conversation that inevitably turns to money, religion or politics. Which, when you have zip in common, almost always ends up being the topic!
So instead, I begged off; claiming I had to work because I work in retail now (thank THE LORD) and stayed in bed late with Boyfriend and Puppy just enjoying every moment until Boyfriend had to go to work.
My dinner will be chips and salsa or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and it will be delicious and satisfying. I might get up early and run to Target for a Black Friday deal on a sewing machine. But I might just stay in bed some more until I have to go to work myself.
I’m thankful that I gave myself that time. I’m thankful that my family might not understand but they accepted my excuse and didn’t push the issue. Truthfully they probably knew I wasn’t working, but that tendency towards repression worked in my favor.
Yesterday was awful.
I’ve tried, I really have. But I’m fairly certain I’ll be let go from The Cubicle Farm if not today, then sometime when I come back from vacation.
And you know what? I’m sad only because of what happened yesterday.
I had a massive panic attack after speaking to my manager about, well it ended up being everything. Come to find out that she claims she had “no idea” why I wouldn’t want to work with that guy who harassed me. Really?? He bullied and intimidated me from across the room and made it so if I see that he’s going to the bathroom or break area I DON’T. I WAIT until he’s gone, but she didn’t know why??
And then “you ask and comment too much”…I’m sorry, but at the end of any meeting, has anyone ever said “OK! No questions, right? I’ve explained everything perfectly and no one needs to make sure they understand everything? Right?”…NO that NEVER happens, they ALWAYS ask “Does anyone have any comments, questions or concerns?” and if I do, I ASK. But apparently that’s “monopolizing the time of my teammates” who, ASK EACH OTHER AND DISCUSS AT LENGTH WHAT THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND AFTER THE MEETING IS OVER INSTEAD OF ASKING THE PERSON WHO LEAD THE MEETING THE QUESTIONS. That just seems idiotic to me. It’s all idiotic and backwards.
So after over 2 hours of finding out that anything AND I MEAN ANYTHING (like, asking a question?!?!) has painted me with a brush I didn’t earn, I broke. I had my second really major panic attack and found myself on the floor in the conference room corner heaving like a marathon runner trying to breathe through a straw and crying so hard I couldn’t see.
They almost called the paramedics. I probably should have let them, but they would’ve found some way to make ME pay for it.
I’d managed to ask for my purse and my beverage, thankfully I have been keeping my xanax ON HAND at The Cubicle Farm because I’ve been having to take it ALMOST DAILY. I managed to get my medication down and my mind started returning. My skin was still on fire, but I was starting to have my wits.
But I couldn’t just go back to my desk. The thought of sitting around people who not only don’t care but are willing to try and railroad me was too much. I could feel another panic attack on the brink.
So I went home sick. That’s probably going to put me at the “point” mark so they’ll fire me.
I’m only sad because I put in nearly 10 years of my life there, good years, the majority of my 30s. I’m smart and capable and passionate. But I’m not a sheep. And wolves like sheep, so they hated me.
And like an abused animal, I internalized it and tried to conform and come back. Well, that’s over now.
Fire me over points, fire me over this ridiculously trumped up FB charge; I’m finished feeling suffocated and insulted when all I’m doing is my job.
In true form, as I write this SERIOUSLY LONG POST I’m debating whether or not to even bother going in today. But since I’m my mother and father’s daughter with a ridiculously great work ethic, I think I’m going in.
I’m very emotionally comprised right now.
PMS, Father’s Day and Boyfriend going out of town for 5 days longer than expected has really REALLY taken a toll on me.
I feel like I’m going crazy.
And he was supposed to come home today, but OF COURSE something happened and now it’s most likely he won’t.
I knew it would, whenever he goes up there there’s a problem with him getting home. Someone begs him not to, schedules some big event or activity that makes him stay. Now it’s leaving the keys in the ignition and the lights on the car all night resulting in a dead battery and naturally EVERYBODY ELSE is unavailable to give him a ride to the train. Uber doesn’t exist up there and apparently there’s 1 cab company that overcharges.
I know it was an accident, but there’s ALWAYS some problem when he goes to visit.
Sigh. Whatever.
I got the weirdest message from an old OOOOLD friend of mine, via Facebook. Apparently she’s been in a bit of a crisis lately.
She was a good friend to me when I was young, at least that’s what I remember, she apologized profusely for treating me poorly but I have ZERO clue as to what she’s talking about and told her as much.
Anyway, she went on and on, and randomly asked me if she could come stay with me. Have a visit. Ummmm SURE! I haven’t seen you in over 20 years but yeah, come on down! Even she agreed that it’s weird, but frankly, I know this girl. I mean, we haven’t spoken in forever, but when someone is close to you when you’re young; it always feels like you’re one conversation away from giggle-fests and slumber parties!
She also told me something that was really shocking. She said that my Pole stories and videos, etc had been inspiring her to go out and try new things. MY POLE STUFF INSPIRED HER! Whaaaaa??? I was dumbfounded! But I think I get it, it’s refreshing to see someone who’s “old and fat” like I am being bold and confident. I know I’m not old and fat, but she and I are the same age, looking at 40 with a side-eye.
So yeah, I have to tell Boyfriend that we’re having a surprise guest during the 4th of July, I’m sure he won’t mind, but it’s still bizarre!
Boyfriend got himself fired from his job. Not as big of a deal as you’d think considering he had an interview where 3 departments at the same place want him; so yeah, he got a new job already. He’s that good.
But that new job doesn’t really start until mid-July-ish. So Boyfriend took a trip to see his family. Very thoughtful, very nice.
However, he didn’t buy a return trip ticket. So I have no idea when he’s coming home.
This wouldn’t be such a big deal except the last time he took a trip like this, is when I found my father dead and my stepmother died.
So yeah, I’ve been heavily medicated for the last 7 days, trying to distract myself from the irrational fear that someone else is going to die on me and I’m going to be by myself again for it.
Stupid. It’s stupid.
I was under the impression that he was coming home Wednesday, he did not.
Father’s Day is Sunday. The first Father’s Day since my Dad died. I’m having a bit of a hard time with it. Combined with missing Boyfriend and PMS this is just a sh*t storm of emotions right now. But I can’t be that girlfriend who whines and cries and begs for Boyfriend to come home and be with me during my Emotional Tornado. I’m not that girl.
But I got tired of the anxiety and asked him outright if he was coming home before Sunday so I could mentally prepare myself to be alone. I tried to word it so he didn’t feel manipulated; frankly I wasn’t trying to manipulate him I was trying to figure and make my plan for the day so I don’t stay locked inside my house crying because I’m thinking too hard.
He’s going camping with his Dad.
And I’m jealous. I’m mad. I want to scream at him “YOU SUCK!” because he gets to do whatever he wants and I’m stuck here and I have to deal with this alone, again.
I’ll be fine, I’ll cry and be sad, but I’ll be fine. I’ll visit with Brother and possibly Baby Nephew at the cemetery. I know myself and I know I’m not headed for a breakdown.
But it sucks that he’s not hurrying home to be with me. I know. It’s really stupid of me to think that way. But it’s what’s going on in my noggin.
Ok. Boyfriend and I talked some more later that week.
At the end, he stated “Marriage changes everything. I made the mistake and was pushed into marriage once, I’m not doing it again.” And “I need to be ready and I don’t feel ready. But I will let you know when I am.”
I countered the first by saying “And is ALL change bad?”
“If you cut your hand on your knife, do you never touch that knife again? Or do you learn and change the way you cut?”
And finally “When though? Can you tell me what you need to make you sure? There are no guarantees in life, but it doesn’t stop you from living it.”
Then I went in for the big one, I looked him right in the face and asked “Can you live without me?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to?”
“No.”
“Ok so ask me the same questions.”
“Why don’t you just answer them yourself?”
“Because you need to ask them to really hear the answer.”
And of course I answered Yes and No, the same as he did.
Then I took a beat. Looked him right in the eye and asked “What more do you need, babe? Really. What more?”
And he got this look in his eye like he might tear up. So I hugged him and went to class.
I don’t know if it’s really progress or what, but it felt like a bit more progress.
I didn’t realize the rent still hasn’t been paid. My fault.
But he called and actually said “I have my wife here angry at me and a dog that can’t eat because of this.”
The level of bullshit is ASTOUNDING. My landlord runs an industrial property rental company. There is NO WAY that what he said was true.
He said it because I’m a girl and he knew it would get a rise out of me.
Well he got it.
I got right up in his face and SCREAMED. I unleashed everything. The anecdote about finding my father’s corpse being the end of my crescendo, that was what really slammed his mouth shut.
How dare he say something like that to me? How dare he try and play upon emotions when he wouldn’t have DREAMED of doing that with any of the professional tenants they deal with.
His dad, my original landlord was beside himself trying to get us both to calm down. Ultimately though, old guy sided with ME.
Younger landlord did not realize that today of all days was not the day to try for a Drama Off with me.
Well, Then There's That... 