Dear hope, f*ck off.

After my initial tears, I called my Mom.

We both agree this sucks and he sucks and it allllll sucks.

When I said “If this is all some part of an elaborate ruse I’m going to be really pissed.”

Mom accidentally brought the hammer down and said, “oh honey, don’t do THAT to yourself.” And with that, I firmly have told hope to fuck off.

I don’t want it. Hope. I want it to ball itself up into a crumpled heap and leave me alone.

So yeah, fuck off hope. You fuck right off.

 

A big box of nothing.

I gave Boyfriend his Christmas presents when he got home from work Christmas Eve morning and then again on Christmas morning.

I gave him a paw print ornament from Puppy (we made it together, she hated every second) and some shower stuff Christmas Eve. Then Christmas I gave him a couple movies and two new pairs of shoes that he was wanting.

He gave me nothing.

Technically, he gave me some Disneyland trading pins a few months back as they arrived, but those were because he thought I would like them (he’s been ridiculously into those damned pins). He claims that the stuff he ordered for Christmas haven’t arrived yet. Which means they are probably more damned pins.

I don’t collect pins.

I wanted an engagement ring. I want him to admit that he loves me so much that he’s over his other marriage and his problems with “the institution of marriage” and that he wants me to be his wife.

But that seems not to be.

I guess he did get me something for Christmas, a continued sadness that I won’t be getting to marry the man that I love and the complex that I’m not good enough for him. I know he feels bad that he had to go to work and leave me crying after we talked today, but you know what? Let him. If I have to live with the truth that he doesn’t want to be married (again) then he has to live with the truth that it hurts me and makes me sad.

It’s not right and it’s not fair but it’s the way it is. He’s not leaving me, I’m not leaving him. I just may remain unmarried in my lifetime. There are worse things. We have a life together and we love each other. The only things missing are engagement ring, wedding bands and a wedding.

Even though I know I deserve those things, I also know that I can live without them. And it looks like I will continue to do so.

For crying out loud

I’m very emotionally comprised right now.

PMS, Father’s Day and Boyfriend going out of town for 5 days longer than expected has really REALLY taken a toll on me.

I feel like I’m going crazy.
And he was supposed to come home today, but OF COURSE something happened and now it’s most likely he won’t.

I knew it would, whenever he goes up there there’s a problem with him getting home. Someone begs him not to, schedules some big event or activity that makes him stay. Now it’s leaving the keys in the ignition and the lights on the car all night resulting in a dead battery and naturally EVERYBODY ELSE is unavailable to give him a ride to the train. Uber doesn’t exist up there and apparently there’s 1 cab company that overcharges.
I know it was an accident, but there’s ALWAYS some problem when he goes to visit.

Sigh. Whatever.

Surprise Guest!

I got the weirdest message from an old OOOOLD friend of mine, via Facebook. Apparently she’s been in a bit of a crisis lately.

She was a good friend to me when I was young, at least that’s what I remember, she apologized profusely for treating me poorly but I have ZERO clue as to what she’s talking about and told her as much.

Anyway, she went on and on, and randomly asked me if she could come stay with me. Have a visit. Ummmm SURE! I haven’t seen you in over 20 years but yeah, come on down! Even she agreed that it’s weird, but frankly, I know this girl. I mean, we haven’t spoken in forever, but when someone is close to you when you’re young; it always feels like you’re one conversation away from giggle-fests and slumber parties!

She also told me something that was really shocking. She said that my Pole stories and videos, etc had been inspiring her to go out and try new things. MY POLE STUFF INSPIRED HER! Whaaaaa??? I was dumbfounded! But I think I get it, it’s refreshing to see someone who’s “old and fat” like I am being bold and confident. I know I’m not old and fat, but she and I are the same age, looking at 40 with a side-eye.

So yeah, I have to tell Boyfriend that we’re having a surprise guest during the 4th of July, I’m sure he won’t mind, but it’s still bizarre!

And sometimes he SUCKS!

Boyfriend got himself fired from his job. Not as big of a deal as you’d think considering he had an interview where 3 departments at the same place want him; so yeah, he got a new job already. He’s that good.

But that new job doesn’t really start until mid-July-ish. So Boyfriend took a trip to see his family. Very thoughtful, very nice.

However, he didn’t buy a return trip ticket. So I have no idea when he’s coming home.

This wouldn’t be such a big deal except the last time he took a trip like this, is when I found my father dead and my stepmother died.

So yeah, I’ve been heavily medicated for the last 7 days, trying to distract myself from the irrational fear that someone else is going to die on me and I’m going to be by myself again for it.

Stupid. It’s stupid.

I was under the impression that he was coming home Wednesday, he did not.

Father’s Day is Sunday. The first Father’s Day since my Dad died. I’m having a bit of a hard time with it. Combined with missing Boyfriend and PMS this is just a sh*t storm of emotions right now. But I can’t be that girlfriend who whines and cries and begs for Boyfriend to come home and be with me during my Emotional Tornado. I’m not that girl.

But I got tired of the anxiety and asked him outright if he was coming home before Sunday so I could mentally prepare myself to be alone. I tried to word it so he didn’t feel manipulated; frankly I wasn’t trying to manipulate him I was trying to figure and make my plan for the day so I don’t stay locked inside my house crying because I’m thinking too hard.

He’s going camping with his Dad.

And I’m jealous. I’m mad. I want to scream at him “YOU SUCK!” because he gets to do whatever he wants and I’m stuck here and I have to deal with this alone, again.

I’ll be fine, I’ll cry and be sad, but I’ll be fine. I’ll visit with Brother and possibly Baby Nephew at the cemetery. I know myself and I know I’m not headed for a breakdown.

But it sucks that he’s not hurrying home to be with me. I know. It’s really stupid of me to think that way. But it’s what’s going on in my noggin.

Progress?

Ok. Boyfriend and I talked some more later that week.

At the end, he stated “Marriage changes everything. I made the mistake and was pushed into marriage once, I’m not doing it again.” And  “I need to be ready and I don’t feel ready. But I will let you know when I am.”
I countered the first by saying “And is ALL change bad?”
“If you cut your hand on your knife, do you never touch that knife again? Or do you learn and change the way you cut?”
And finally “When though? Can you tell me what you need to make you sure? There are no guarantees in life, but it doesn’t stop you from living it.”
Then I went in for the big one, I looked him right in the face and asked “Can you live without me?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to?”
“No.”
“Ok so ask me the same questions.”
“Why don’t you just answer them yourself?”
“Because you need to ask them to really hear the answer.”
And of course I answered Yes and No, the same as he did.
Then I took a beat. Looked him right in the eye and asked “What more do you need, babe? Really. What more?”
And he got this look in his eye like he might tear up. So I hugged him and went to class.

I don’t know if it’s really progress or what, but it felt like a bit more progress.

And the Xanax just kicked in

Boyfriend and I had a day long conversation about weddings and marriage yesterday.

It did not go the way I would’ve liked.

We started dialogue about compromise; but frankly. I don’t want to feel like I’m having to force him into a wedding that he absolutely does not want. He has issues with the concept of marriage; and with his first marriage, the baggage got worse.

She forced him. No not with a gun to his head, but still. It’s true.

He has always had issues with the concept and has been against weddings, mainly because of his industry and he sees the greed and ugly side of weddings every month, multiple times. Being that I used to also work in an adjacent industry, I totally get it.

I can’t remember what he said exactly, but it was something like “I already stood up and made a vow to link my soul to another person and that vow was broken. I’m not doing that again.” Trust and believe me when I say it wasn’t him that broke it. But still, I understand what he’s saying. The guilt he feels is further adding fuel to his argument.

He says that if it doesn’t matter, then we should elope/use a courthouse. That’s something I don’t want.

But I may have to give up any ideas on having a wedding that I think suits the two of us, works in a budget that isn’t sky-high but is lovely and celebrates who we are as people and as a couple. It makes me really sad. Miserable, actually. And that bothers me on a couple levels. I pride myself on not being superficial, and get excited about finding the best deals on anything, so planning a wedding that works would’ve been really fun for me! But it’s looking like that’s definitely not going to happen and I have to accept it.

I cried the majority of yesterday. In the shower, apparently the dog could hear me crying and wanted to come in and find out what the heck was wrong with me, so that’s how Boyfriend knew I was still upset. It’s not his fault. Really, it’s not. It’s me making myself sadder and sadder.

What I really want is to be his wife. It shouldn’t matter how that happens. If it means that I have to get married at a courthouse in regular clothes, then it shouldn’t be that big of a deal.

I sent my Mom a lengthy text this morning, she was the one who I was worried about getting upset the most. She texted back saying that she doesn’t like it, but she understands. I can’t help but feel like I disappointed her. I’m gipping her of the chance to see her only daughter have a wedding. I feel like I’m gipping myself! But what else can I do???

I’m disappointed, of course. But frankly, I’d rather do what makes him comfortable and get past any sadness I feel.

Sigh. I just really wish he could be happy about the idea of it. But he can’t. He just can’t. It’s not my fault, but I’m the one paying for the emotional damage. I love him, all of him, damage included. That’s what I mean. I’m not going to fix it, it’s his to fix. But I love and accept him and want to grow as people together.

That’s the bottom line. And I’ve finally stopped crying ‘cuz the Xanax just kicked in. So, there’s that…