And sometimes he SUCKS!

Boyfriend got himself fired from his job. Not as big of a deal as you’d think considering he had an interview where 3 departments at the same place want him; so yeah, he got a new job already. He’s that good.

But that new job doesn’t really start until mid-July-ish. So Boyfriend took a trip to see his family. Very thoughtful, very nice.

However, he didn’t buy a return trip ticket. So I have no idea when he’s coming home.

This wouldn’t be such a big deal except the last time he took a trip like this, is when I found my father dead and my stepmother died.

So yeah, I’ve been heavily medicated for the last 7 days, trying to distract myself from the irrational fear that someone else is going to die on me and I’m going to be by myself again for it.

Stupid. It’s stupid.

I was under the impression that he was coming home Wednesday, he did not.

Father’s Day is Sunday. The first Father’s Day since my Dad died. I’m having a bit of a hard time with it. Combined with missing Boyfriend and PMS this is just a sh*t storm of emotions right now. But I can’t be that girlfriend who whines and cries and begs for Boyfriend to come home and be with me during my Emotional Tornado. I’m not that girl.

But I got tired of the anxiety and asked him outright if he was coming home before Sunday so I could mentally prepare myself to be alone. I tried to word it so he didn’t feel manipulated; frankly I wasn’t trying to manipulate him I was trying to figure and make my plan for the day so I don’t stay locked inside my house crying because I’m thinking too hard.

He’s going camping with his Dad.

And I’m jealous. I’m mad. I want to scream at him “YOU SUCK!” because he gets to do whatever he wants and I’m stuck here and I have to deal with this alone, again.

I’ll be fine, I’ll cry and be sad, but I’ll be fine. I’ll visit with Brother and possibly Baby Nephew at the cemetery. I know myself and I know I’m not headed for a breakdown.

But it sucks that he’s not hurrying home to be with me. I know. It’s really stupid of me to think that way. But it’s what’s going on in my noggin.

Progress?

Ok. Boyfriend and I talked some more later that week.

At the end, he stated “Marriage changes everything. I made the mistake and was pushed into marriage once, I’m not doing it again.” And  “I need to be ready and I don’t feel ready. But I will let you know when I am.”
I countered the first by saying “And is ALL change bad?”
“If you cut your hand on your knife, do you never touch that knife again? Or do you learn and change the way you cut?”
And finally “When though? Can you tell me what you need to make you sure? There are no guarantees in life, but it doesn’t stop you from living it.”
Then I went in for the big one, I looked him right in the face and asked “Can you live without me?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to?”
“No.”
“Ok so ask me the same questions.”
“Why don’t you just answer them yourself?”
“Because you need to ask them to really hear the answer.”
And of course I answered Yes and No, the same as he did.
Then I took a beat. Looked him right in the eye and asked “What more do you need, babe? Really. What more?”
And he got this look in his eye like he might tear up. So I hugged him and went to class.

I don’t know if it’s really progress or what, but it felt like a bit more progress.

I came unglued my landlord

I didn’t realize the rent still hasn’t been paid. My fault.
But he called and actually said “I have my wife here angry at me and a dog that can’t eat because of this.”
The level of bullshit is ASTOUNDING. My landlord runs an industrial property rental company. There is NO WAY that what he said was true.
He said it because I’m a girl and he knew it would get a rise out of me.
Well he got it.
I got right up in his face and SCREAMED. I unleashed everything. The anecdote about finding my father’s corpse being the end of my crescendo, that was what really slammed his mouth shut.
How dare he say something like that to me? How dare he try and play upon emotions when he wouldn’t have DREAMED of doing that with any of the professional tenants they deal with.
His dad, my original landlord was beside himself trying to get us both to calm down. Ultimately though, old guy sided with ME.
Younger landlord did not realize that today of all days was not the day to try for a Drama Off with me.

And the Xanax just kicked in

Boyfriend and I had a day long conversation about weddings and marriage yesterday.

It did not go the way I would’ve liked.

We started dialogue about compromise; but frankly. I don’t want to feel like I’m having to force him into a wedding that he absolutely does not want. He has issues with the concept of marriage; and with his first marriage, the baggage got worse.

She forced him. No not with a gun to his head, but still. It’s true.

He has always had issues with the concept and has been against weddings, mainly because of his industry and he sees the greed and ugly side of weddings every month, multiple times. Being that I used to also work in an adjacent industry, I totally get it.

I can’t remember what he said exactly, but it was something like “I already stood up and made a vow to link my soul to another person and that vow was broken. I’m not doing that again.” Trust and believe me when I say it wasn’t him that broke it. But still, I understand what he’s saying. The guilt he feels is further adding fuel to his argument.

He says that if it doesn’t matter, then we should elope/use a courthouse. That’s something I don’t want.

But I may have to give up any ideas on having a wedding that I think suits the two of us, works in a budget that isn’t sky-high but is lovely and celebrates who we are as people and as a couple. It makes me really sad. Miserable, actually. And that bothers me on a couple levels. I pride myself on not being superficial, and get excited about finding the best deals on anything, so planning a wedding that works would’ve been really fun for me! But it’s looking like that’s definitely not going to happen and I have to accept it.

I cried the majority of yesterday. In the shower, apparently the dog could hear me crying and wanted to come in and find out what the heck was wrong with me, so that’s how Boyfriend knew I was still upset. It’s not his fault. Really, it’s not. It’s me making myself sadder and sadder.

What I really want is to be his wife. It shouldn’t matter how that happens. If it means that I have to get married at a courthouse in regular clothes, then it shouldn’t be that big of a deal.

I sent my Mom a lengthy text this morning, she was the one who I was worried about getting upset the most. She texted back saying that she doesn’t like it, but she understands. I can’t help but feel like I disappointed her. I’m gipping her of the chance to see her only daughter have a wedding. I feel like I’m gipping myself! But what else can I do???

I’m disappointed, of course. But frankly, I’d rather do what makes him comfortable and get past any sadness I feel.

Sigh. I just really wish he could be happy about the idea of it. But he can’t. He just can’t. It’s not my fault, but I’m the one paying for the emotional damage. I love him, all of him, damage included. That’s what I mean. I’m not going to fix it, it’s his to fix. But I love and accept him and want to grow as people together.

That’s the bottom line. And I’ve finally stopped crying ‘cuz the Xanax just kicked in. So, there’s that…

Parent or Husband?

Brother is going to couple’s therapy with Faux.

Initially he said he was going so they could both learn to co-parent Baby Nephew, which admittedly is exactly what I’d expect from Brother. The willingness to cooperate for the good of his son.

The problem is, they went to her therapist.

Granted, Brother had prepped by talking to his own therapist, gotten some verbal tools and insight to keep himself on task and what to expect. Faux sat sobbing as Brother explained how betrayed and hurt he’s felt for months. Every time Brother would make a statement, the therapist would turn to Faux and “translate”, basically dumb it down for Faux.

Faux is not smart. She’s also very immature and selfish.

Which made me bring up this question to Brother:

Do you want to be a parent to Baby Nephew and to Faux?

Faux is behaving like a child. Instead of coming to the conclusion that shacking up and seeing this other dude was wrong; she had to be told by her therapist to move out of this other dude’s home if she wants any chances at making the marriage work.

Sorry, but that seems like a BIG FAT DUH to any reasonable human! But Faux had to be told!

Faux also wants a laundry list of actions she can do to “earn back the trust” of Brother. She doesn’t seem to understand that even if she follows through and does anything and everything suggested; that trust may not ever come back. It’s like she moved out of the Other Dude’s house and expected Brother to just welcome her back into his arms and for everything to fine.

She forgets that she left my Brother emotionally for months before. Granted, Brother says that he “shut down” and “didn’t communicate” his feelings…I looked at him and said “Oh. Well. That makes you a guy. So what?” because it’s completely understandable for the situations he was going through that he would shut down and not talk to the one person who was supposed to be supportive unconditionally but was making the situation worse!

Brother has made it clear that he’s not going to make any rash decisions, and I support that. If it turns out that he and Faux get back together, it will be difficult, but I’ll support that too. Through gritted teeth.

My biggest concern is my brother and my nephews’ happiness. Because Brother can’t relate to nor have regular conversations with Faux, I firmly believe that they should part ways and accept that they were only brought together to create Baby Nephew. That they won’t be happy if they remain in the marriage together. They are too different. But it doesn’t mean they didn’t love each other at one time. It just didn’t work out. The divorce doesn’t have to be nasty, I just think it needs to happen for the sake of each of them.

Kitchen

My dad died in the kitchen of his house.
My brother has moved into that house since he’s pretty much getting a divorce and the lease was up on the house he was living in.
Brother’s friends have been amazing. They have rallied around him, assisting with everything from patching walls to re-doing the garage to helping him move all his stuff.
I did my best to chip in.
Until Brother asked me to unpack the fridge food into the kitchen.

I can’t step foot in the kitchen, not yet. The only way in or through the kitchen is right over where my father died. So no. I can’t go into the kitchen. I can go around it, the way the house is built makes it possible. Not through it though. I just can’t.

I know it’s ridiculous. I know I’ll get over it. Nobody is pushing me to get past that hangup. But I know that I need to. I just can’t help it. When anyone walks through the kitchen, I think about how I found my dad and it puts me right back to that place and I want to run screaming from the county. Yes, the county.

I’m glad Brother is living in the house, he’s fixing it up and eventually we’ll end up selling it I’m sure. But for now, I’m glad he’s living in the house he grew up in. That’s what that house is to Brother.

To me, that’s the house that killed my dad. So no, I don’t ever want to live there. Ever.

Um yeah, I won!

This last weekend was my Pole Competition. I had my routine from last year’s recital, so it’s not like I was panicking, but still. With the family deaths, I wasn’t exactly rehearsing daily or even weekly. So I was nervous that I wouldn’t be able to even place.
I modified my “big trick” to include a Remi Sit to add another level of difficulty, since I was entering as Level 1 which is like, the lowest level, I wanted to have something cool!
I also planned a dramatic surprise. I loaded my lips with a bright solid color and layered on some goopy gloss. Then, at a critical emotional moment, where I tapped into the sorrow, terror and loss I’ve been dealing with; I let my face break down, I started shaking and almost scream/crying. THEN I ran the back of my arm against my lips and smeared all that color across my face and down my arm. It looked like I was bleeding! And because nobody at my studio knew I was doing it, I got authentic gasps from the audience. It was very satisfying.

I nailed my big trick, but messed my ending up a little bit; but I wasn’t upset about it. I did exactly what I wanted to do. I took my judges and audience through an emotional journey. Whether they understood what emotions I was dancing or not, it doesn’t matter. They felt something.

I got 1st place! Technically I got a perfect score (they throw out the lowest and the highest, but I only got one 2nd place vote and 4 other 1st place votes so…yeah!) so that was amazing to see.