Dear hope, f*ck off.

After my initial tears, I called my Mom.

We both agree this sucks and he sucks and it allllll sucks.

When I said “If this is all some part of an elaborate ruse I’m going to be really pissed.”

Mom accidentally brought the hammer down and said, “oh honey, don’t do THAT to yourself.” And with that, I firmly have told hope to fuck off.

I don’t want it. Hope. I want it to ball itself up into a crumpled heap and leave me alone.

So yeah, fuck off hope. You fuck right off.

 

A big box of nothing.

I gave Boyfriend his Christmas presents when he got home from work Christmas Eve morning and then again on Christmas morning.

I gave him a paw print ornament from Puppy (we made it together, she hated every second) and some shower stuff Christmas Eve. Then Christmas I gave him a couple movies and two new pairs of shoes that he was wanting.

He gave me nothing.

Technically, he gave me some Disneyland trading pins a few months back as they arrived, but those were because he thought I would like them (he’s been ridiculously into those damned pins). He claims that the stuff he ordered for Christmas haven’t arrived yet. Which means they are probably more damned pins.

I don’t collect pins.

I wanted an engagement ring. I want him to admit that he loves me so much that he’s over his other marriage and his problems with “the institution of marriage” and that he wants me to be his wife.

But that seems not to be.

I guess he did get me something for Christmas, a continued sadness that I won’t be getting to marry the man that I love and the complex that I’m not good enough for him. I know he feels bad that he had to go to work and leave me crying after we talked today, but you know what? Let him. If I have to live with the truth that he doesn’t want to be married (again) then he has to live with the truth that it hurts me and makes me sad.

It’s not right and it’s not fair but it’s the way it is. He’s not leaving me, I’m not leaving him. I just may remain unmarried in my lifetime. There are worse things. We have a life together and we love each other. The only things missing are engagement ring, wedding bands and a wedding.

Even though I know I deserve those things, I also know that I can live without them. And it looks like I will continue to do so.

Progress?

Ok. Boyfriend and I talked some more later that week.

At the end, he stated “Marriage changes everything. I made the mistake and was pushed into marriage once, I’m not doing it again.” And  “I need to be ready and I don’t feel ready. But I will let you know when I am.”
I countered the first by saying “And is ALL change bad?”
“If you cut your hand on your knife, do you never touch that knife again? Or do you learn and change the way you cut?”
And finally “When though? Can you tell me what you need to make you sure? There are no guarantees in life, but it doesn’t stop you from living it.”
Then I went in for the big one, I looked him right in the face and asked “Can you live without me?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to?”
“No.”
“Ok so ask me the same questions.”
“Why don’t you just answer them yourself?”
“Because you need to ask them to really hear the answer.”
And of course I answered Yes and No, the same as he did.
Then I took a beat. Looked him right in the eye and asked “What more do you need, babe? Really. What more?”
And he got this look in his eye like he might tear up. So I hugged him and went to class.

I don’t know if it’s really progress or what, but it felt like a bit more progress.

And the Xanax just kicked in

Boyfriend and I had a day long conversation about weddings and marriage yesterday.

It did not go the way I would’ve liked.

We started dialogue about compromise; but frankly. I don’t want to feel like I’m having to force him into a wedding that he absolutely does not want. He has issues with the concept of marriage; and with his first marriage, the baggage got worse.

She forced him. No not with a gun to his head, but still. It’s true.

He has always had issues with the concept and has been against weddings, mainly because of his industry and he sees the greed and ugly side of weddings every month, multiple times. Being that I used to also work in an adjacent industry, I totally get it.

I can’t remember what he said exactly, but it was something like “I already stood up and made a vow to link my soul to another person and that vow was broken. I’m not doing that again.” Trust and believe me when I say it wasn’t him that broke it. But still, I understand what he’s saying. The guilt he feels is further adding fuel to his argument.

He says that if it doesn’t matter, then we should elope/use a courthouse. That’s something I don’t want.

But I may have to give up any ideas on having a wedding that I think suits the two of us, works in a budget that isn’t sky-high but is lovely and celebrates who we are as people and as a couple. It makes me really sad. Miserable, actually. And that bothers me on a couple levels. I pride myself on not being superficial, and get excited about finding the best deals on anything, so planning a wedding that works would’ve been really fun for me! But it’s looking like that’s definitely not going to happen and I have to accept it.

I cried the majority of yesterday. In the shower, apparently the dog could hear me crying and wanted to come in and find out what the heck was wrong with me, so that’s how Boyfriend knew I was still upset. It’s not his fault. Really, it’s not. It’s me making myself sadder and sadder.

What I really want is to be his wife. It shouldn’t matter how that happens. If it means that I have to get married at a courthouse in regular clothes, then it shouldn’t be that big of a deal.

I sent my Mom a lengthy text this morning, she was the one who I was worried about getting upset the most. She texted back saying that she doesn’t like it, but she understands. I can’t help but feel like I disappointed her. I’m gipping her of the chance to see her only daughter have a wedding. I feel like I’m gipping myself! But what else can I do???

I’m disappointed, of course. But frankly, I’d rather do what makes him comfortable and get past any sadness I feel.

Sigh. I just really wish he could be happy about the idea of it. But he can’t. He just can’t. It’s not my fault, but I’m the one paying for the emotional damage. I love him, all of him, damage included. That’s what I mean. I’m not going to fix it, it’s his to fix. But I love and accept him and want to grow as people together.

That’s the bottom line. And I’ve finally stopped crying ‘cuz the Xanax just kicked in. So, there’s that…

Now THAT, I didn’t need

Last night Boyfriend asked if he could borrow my car to go to a work party. No big deal, I happily obliged under the condition that he not be home “too late” to which he joked, “Ok, so 4am not 6am”. Mildly amused, I said “Better not be home at 6am, I have to leave for work at 5:50am so…there ya go!” We laughed, he left. Eventually I went to bed.

In the middle of a disturbing dream where, at a party, I was being chased by Ryan Reynolds (normally, that wouldn’t be disturbing, but for some reason he was chasing me to explain how he’d been wronged in relationships and I just wasn’t interested, Ryan Reynolds! We’re at a party!) I awoke with a start and realized it was 2am. I reached over beside me and only felt Puppy, no Boyfriend. I pouted.

I called Boyfriend. I texted Boyfriend. No response. I started checking the police blotter LIKE YOU DO WHEN YOU’RE FREAKING OUT and couldn’t find any evidence of any accidents or arrests (tangent: found lots of burglary reports from the last few days, made me double check the house was locked tight) in any of the areas that Boyfriend might have been in or traveling through.

1st hour goes by. I’m trying to remain calm. I keep calling and texting sporadically.

2nd hour goes by: I’m in full blown freakout mode. I’m forming plans, I’m looking up recently dialed/incoming numbers from the records on our mobile account and deciding which ones I’m going to text AT 4 IN THE MORNING because DAMMIT, SOMEBODY must know where Boyfriend and my car are!

4:06 am; I text two numbers that I think are related to his work: I’m so sorry, I’m looking for *Boyfriend’s name*. This is his girlfriend. He hasn’t come home yet and I’m worried.

One replies back kindly, stating that they didn’t know where he was and that everyone left around the same time from the work party and that it was ok that I had contacted them. I felt really bad about sending the texts; but I was freaking out man!

It dawns on me: Maybe Boyfriend is out in the parking lot asleep in my car! Maybe I should have checked the parking lot before sending the texts to strangers…but oh well, it’s too late now. I leave Puppy in the big warm bed and go out to see if I can spot my car in the lot. At first I have no luck. I’m still panicking. But then, I go to the “special” parking area (two prime spots nearer to our house than any others in the lot, seriously, they are a HOT commodity with our neighbors) and LO AND BEHOLD, there’s my car. And laying down in the driver’s seat, Boyfriend.

My initial reaction was one of relief. And then came the fury. Ohhhh boy; the fury was HOT, guys. I marched right up to the passenger side window and BANGED on the doorframe (in order to cause maximum rumbling throughout the vehicle) and hissed, yes hissed “Are you SERIOUS right now??”

Boyfriend sat up with a start and started hooting. Yeah, you read that right. Hooting. I’ve learned that when Boyfriend is startled awake, he hoots. Like a trombone. If I hadn’t been so pissed off, I would have laughed.

After confirming that he saw me and realized how much trouble he was in and I don’t care if he’s confused, he’s in major trouble, I turned on my heel and headed back to the house. Crying an ugly cry. I was so angry and relieved that he was ok but SO ANGRY was winning on the Emotions Scale. I stood at the kitchen sink trying to slow my heart rate by taking long sips of water and sobbing into a paper towel.

And Boyfriend still wasn’t in the house.

I started getting irritated. Was I going to have to go out there again??? Yes. Yes I was. When I headed back out to see what the hell is taking so long, I saw Boyfriend doubled over some shopping bags. Apparently he’d stopped at the 24 hour Walmart and picked up some groceries before he’d headed home and passed out in my car in the f*cking parking spot. Disoriented, he’d dropped some and was having trouble picking them up again.

Again, if I weren’t so furious, I would have laughed.

I helped him pick up some stuff while I hissed at him some more about how dare he do this to me, and I hope your happy, I had to text strangers to see if you were dead etc. Boyfriend mumbled “Are you done yelling at me?” …normally, this is a joke that we share. I ask him something or tell him something and he’ll mock-whine “Stop yelling at me!” and it’s funny.

At 4:15 am, it’s not f*cking funny.
Promptly, I told him, “No, I’m certainly not done.”
We got in the house and had a small fight. He was irritated because he’d been woken up rudely; I felt ZERO sympathy considering the froth I’d worked myself into for the past 2 hours!
Then, Boyfriend said the unthinkable. “Over-dramatic much?”
IT. WAS. ON.
My tears instantly dried for 2.2 seconds and I coldly stated, “Go f*ck yourself, if EVER I’m NOT worried about you or upset by something like this? Then we’ve got SERIOUS relationship issues!” and marched myself to the bedroom because, oh I had to be AWAKE in 45 minutes to go to work!
After a few minutes, a smoke and a text conversation with the two people I’d texted about him; Boyfriend came to bed.
He gingerly reached over to hold me and timidly asked, “Are you going to be mad at me forever?” and my heart melted. But I wasn’t finished being angry. “I haven’t decided yet” and I started crying again. As quietly as I could.
“Would it help to know that I am more angry with myself than you are angry at me?”
“Yeah, actually. That does help.”
We talked for a few more minutes, but not long because I still had to go to work shortly and I was desperate to get SOME sort of rest after the anxiety adrenaline had subsided.
He loves me, he knows I love him. But he also knows that this kind of thing just can’t happen anymore. ANYMORE. I told him that maybe we could download apps that tell us where the other is; because then maybe it might lessen my fear if this DOES happen again. But frankly, I don’t want to do that! I don’t want him to feel like I’m watching him all the time and that I don’t trust him! It’s NOT that I don’t trust him, I’m just AFRAID of something bad happening to him! Unfortunately, with the death of my Dad and Chatty; that kind of fear is worse now than it EVER was before. As much as Boyfriend says he understands and has been there for me; I don’t think he understands as fully as he thinks he does.
Ugh, I’m beat. I have an Energy drink clutched in my hand which makes typing VERY difficult but the only way I can function today. I’m insanely jealous of the sleep Boyfriend is currently enjoying and am really hoping that Puppy has to pee soon and dances the Cha-Cha on his face and jumps with ALL FOUR FEET on his crotch/belly area to wake him up. Which is not a nice thing to wish, but THERE IT IS. No no, I shouldn’t wish for that. Besides, I have a feeling that he’s going to get ALL KINDS OF CRAP today from the two co-workers of his I texted this morning looking for him. Even though he said that one of them gave him a text-lashing; I’ve got a sneaky suspicion they aren’t done reading him the riot act.

Oops, I’m Older

Yesterday was my 38th birthday, I’m not scared of my age because I haven’t felt anything but 17 since I turned 17. Which is strange.

I’m still really excitable about stuff that isn’t necessarily “grown-up”; example? My friends and I (including Boyfriend) went to a major Theme Park for my birthday, we took pictures with characters, rode tons of rides and had a terrific time! Even though it was pissing rain for hours. It was great!

My friend, Pretty, made the day more and more special with little surprises here and there. It was super fun!

No, I didn’t get engaged, but that’s ok. I think it’s coming. I recall having a sleepy conversation with Boyfriend this morning about it, and he told me “When the time is right”…but what does that mean???

Sigh. I also told him to please not make me a 40 year old first time bride…I just don’t think my ego could take it.
He laughed…a little too hard.

The Best Things

Yesterday, I decided it was MAKE THE COOKIES Day! I gathered all the ingredients, set up my tablet to Netflix and put on White Christmas; instantly in the Christmas mood!

Instead of barking at me to “turn it down” and trying to watch his own show on the living room TV, Boyfriend was content sitting on the couch with Puppy, listening to the movie as if it were radio and watching and chatting with me as I baked.

As I was sifting this and mixing that, my dance background pointed it’s toes and decided that now was the time to dip back into my Lindy Hop days. So when The Best Things Happen When You’re Dancing came on, I was bopping away!

After putting a batch of cookies in the oven, I turned and saw that Boyfriend had made his way in towards the kitchen. He extended his hand and started dancing with me. It was right then that he accidentally checked off a Secret Bucket List Item of mine, to have someone who loves me randomly pull me to him and dance, for no reason whatsoever.

He doesn’t really have rhythm, but Boyfriend most definitely has my heart.

Now, I’m definitely adding this song to our potential Wedding Dance song list.