Surprise Guest!

I got the weirdest message from an old OOOOLD friend of mine, via Facebook. Apparently she’s been in a bit of a crisis lately.

She was a good friend to me when I was young, at least that’s what I remember, she apologized profusely for treating me poorly but I have ZERO clue as to what she’s talking about and told her as much.

Anyway, she went on and on, and randomly asked me if she could come stay with me. Have a visit. Ummmm SURE! I haven’t seen you in over 20 years but yeah, come on down! Even she agreed that it’s weird, but frankly, I know this girl. I mean, we haven’t spoken in forever, but when someone is close to you when you’re young; it always feels like you’re one conversation away from giggle-fests and slumber parties!

She also told me something that was really shocking. She said that my Pole stories and videos, etc had been inspiring her to go out and try new things. MY POLE STUFF INSPIRED HER! Whaaaaa??? I was dumbfounded! But I think I get it, it’s refreshing to see someone who’s “old and fat” like I am being bold and confident. I know I’m not old and fat, but she and I are the same age, looking at 40 with a side-eye.

So yeah, I have to tell Boyfriend that we’re having a surprise guest during the 4th of July, I’m sure he won’t mind, but it’s still bizarre!

Making friends and old ghosts

Boyfriend is shy. His shyness is thin like paper, and once you’ve broken through, you’re good.

But still. He’s shy. He doesn’t make friends easily like I do. I can walk alone into a party of strangers and make friends within 3 minutes. It’s just in my nature. For Boyfriend, he could sit in the corner of a bar by himself and people watch all night, and if he never got up to get a drink, nobody would know he was there. Needless to say, he doesn’t really have many friends. When we wind up getting married, he’s probably going to have to borrow from my pool of friends to fill out the his side of the Bridal Party.

Even knowing this, when I saw the OK Cupid! notification come up on his phone, I panicked.

My own baggage came bursting forth, feelings of Abandonment and Betrayal waved their hands at me and demanded to be addressed. After the initial “WHY IS THAT ON YOUR PHONE???” wail, I walked from him and into the bathroom to shower and presumably cry. 

I sniffled. I blinked. But I didn’t cry. The tears weren’t there. They weren’t there because my gut told me, “There’s nothing to worry about. There’s an explanation.” I turned to Abandonment and Betrayal and faced them with my gut feelings, and waited for them to respond. I realized that they were very old feelings, more like ghosts. They didn’t have substance or fire like they used to. 

After I got out of the shower and dressed. I stood in the kitchen, trying to decide how to talk to Boyfriend. Finally I just blurted out “I’m trying to decide if I’m upset.” 

“I can tell. You should talk about it with me.” stated Boyfriend, as if telling me ‘The sky is bigger than you can see’.

So we did talk. I didn’t go into detail about my old ghosts, but I merely told him they had caught my attention. 

He then explained about how there’s an option for “Just looking for friends” that’s always been on his old profile for that site. Now, the Snark in me scoffed and wanted to retort “Yeah, but those are the F*&k friends, not actually friends” but I could tell by the look on his face, he actually thought and used the site to meet people. Because of his shyness, it was easier for him to create a profile and let people find him. That it had been over a year since he’d even talked to anybody on it and he’d forgotten he had it.

He started to offer to remove the app from his phone, I stopped him cold. I told him, “I love you, I trust you. You say you used it to meet new people and make friends, I believe you. You don’t have to explain further. My panic was mine, it’s not yours to take on. I have things that I need to work on, and one of those is feeling like I need to be more or do more for you because I might not be enough.”

Before I could finish my thought, he stated plainly “You have nothing to worry about.”

And the old ghosts completely disappeared.

 

 

MAKE the change

I suffer from depression. I’ve been a Prozac Princess for several years now, and not everyone wants to be medicated but you know what? It’s helped me and that’s all I can attest to.

It’s an option. It’s something to consider. It’s not the ONLY method of changing your life.

But you have to choose to change.

There’s a gal at the Cubicle Farm who always is in crisis mode. Not like MANIC CRISIS, but depressive crisis. There’s never anything good happening. Or if there is, it’s few and far between. 

Her 8 year relationship (the worst part? They BOTH work in my Cubicle Farm….UGH) has deteriorated past the point of reconcile. She’s allowed herself to become totally dependent on the guy, she doesn’t have a car or any other means of getting herself around anywhere. She doesn’t have any friends other than the people she can talk to at work, the others are on HIS side (even before there was trouble, they hated her) and make it really uncomfortable and in my eyes a hostile environment for her. The Managers at the Cubicle Farm are ineffectual at curtailing this behavior to the point that it feels like they just don’t give a shit. 

So yeah, she’s at a crossroads that she’s been at for A FREAKIN’ YEAR or TWO. She hasn’t been willing to do anything other than complain about her life. I have done my best to keep her at a distance, but she’s persistent! 

She’s planning on finally getting herself a vehicle and moving out. Good for her, right? Yes it is. Is she making noises that she wants to move into MY house with Boyfriend and me? YES SHE IS.

That’s not happening. I’m not having it. She’s far too much drama and unwilling to be active to change it. That’s one thing. 

Having terrible situations happen, it’s happens to everyone. It’s OK TO BE DEPRESSED OR WALLOW about it! I’m a true believer in a good wallow. But eventually, ya gotta get outta the bath!

You have to do something about your situation. You can’t just allow it to continue if you have a choice in the matter! Things that you CAN change and WANT to change, YOU SHOULD TRY TO CHANGE!

(I’m also not saying that it has to be done alone; but LEARN TO READ YOUR FRIENDS/SUPPORT TEAM. If you have come to understand that their lives are in a crappy spiral, don’t add your crap to their mix! That’s one lightening fast way to get yourself labeled as Toxic and cut off from their lives. Which is what I’m in the process of doing with this chick.)

There’s no guarantee you’ll successfully pull yourself out of whatever funk you’re in or whatever bullshit relationship or situation you find yourself in. But whatever terrible that is happening to you will never get fucking better if you don’t do anything to help yourself. 

That’s just science.

“Honey? We have to put pants on!”

After a short but panicked text from Pretty “Hat knows I’m leaving him”, my Defender side kicked into high gear and I shouted at Boyfriend “Honey? We have to put pants on!” “I really want to kick this guys’ ass!!” grumbled Boyfriend, “He’s making me put on pants!!”

We’d been enjoying our “last” Naked Day (where we can walk around the house as naked as we like) for a while, when the inevitable happened. Pretty made it clear that Hat knew and was not taking it well.

Understatement. Apparently the big trouble had started the night before, but it was so late that Pretty just decided it was easier to check into a Motel 6 than wake us up and sleep in our guest room two nights early. Bless her. Hat started shrieking at her about how she’d unfriended all of “his” friends on Facebook (I know, right?? Gimme a break. She was just trying to make it easier on THEM, that way they won’t have to feel conflicted.), becoming completely unreasonable and unhinged. So no, she wasn’t staying there.

The next day, she had told Hat to meet her at the bank, when he showed she handed him a check for his half of the tax return and either had his name removed from the joint account or dissolved the joint account altogether. Ballsy move, and genius!! 

Right there, in the parking lot, he came unhinged on her, AGAIN. Bringing up the Facebook thing (seriously, I want to smack him) and asking “What will they THINK?? How does it look??” …um, dude, they’ll think you’re a douche. The end!

Finally it came out that she wasn’t going to be living there anymore and that she wanted a divorce. I think he actually made her say the words. Like a challenge, if she couldn’t say it, she couldn’t do it. Buddy, she said it! He then started in about therapy and how they could go through his insurance (FIRST TIME HE’S ACTUALLY OFFERED TO ORGANIZE AND PUT FORTH EFFORT, PEOPLE!) and when she told him she’d been in therapy for a month, Hat lost his shit.  I’m not certain exactly what he said to her, but it was enough to make her lose her hope of an “amicable” separation and divorce.

When she came to our house, she looked ok. She and I took 6 steps outside the door towards her car to bring in a load of stuff and she broke down. I stood there holding her, weeping into my shoulder for I don’t know how long. It was heart breaking. She couldn’t put it into words. It made me want to skin Hat alive, VERBALLY of course. I’m really not one for the physical violence, I swear!

After we unloaded and she was laying down on the guest bed. She recalled the past few encounters. Her face crumpled a couple times, but she held herself together. I made her a peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwich and insisted she nap. Which she did. Hard, and for several hours.

Did Hat try and reach out? I don’t know. I wanted to give her some time to decompress and relax. Something she hasn’t been able to do for some time in a safe space. It’s been awkward in her own home for over 8 months, Pretty is exhausted. She did tell me that she’d told him “I’m safe” on Wednesday when he’d texted her to find out where she’d gone. She had zero intention of telling him she was at the Motel 6 down the street from their apartment; and she had the same amount of intention in telling him she’s living with me and Boyfriend. I can understand and definitely respect that. 

When she and I were talking before her nap, I told her that now that they have their own separate abodes, giving Couple’s Counseling a shot might not be the worst idea. At least that way they can say they did it and maybe maybe something might click in Hat’s head and he’ll realize how arrogant, self centered, selfish, short sighted a prick he’s really been.

But I’m not holding my breath. 

Like a bra

Pretty has made up her mind and decided it’s time to put some physical space between her and Hat.

Pretty is going to leave Hat. 

I’m not sure he even knows yet. 

She’s coming to stay with Boyfriend and me starting Friday until probably the middle of September. She called me today and confirmed. 

I still wish Hat would pull his head out of his ass and try to fix this. But I don’t think he even knows what he’s really done. 

I’m supportive, like a bra. But I am sad, mostly pissed off really, at Hat. He’s completely wrecked his marriage and doesn’t even understand he’s done that. 

The worst is the martyrdom, the “persecution” he feels. It’s infuriating. How dare he compare his situation with the struggle of the LGBT community. It’s ludicrous and insulting. It points to just how immature he actually is.

So we’re going to play host to my best friend as she attempts an amicable “grown-up” divorce with a selfish, immature, self-centered prick.

 

Level 10 CONFLICT FEELINGS!!!

In the continued Saga of Pretty and Hat; we come to the impending nuptials of Amazing and Beautiful.

Amazing and Beautiful got engaged last year in a perfectly orchestrated surprise proposal. They are both the most incredible people, they suit one another perfectly. Because they are friends with Hat and Pretty, they asked if Hat and Pretty would officiate their wedding. Without consulting his wife, Pretty, Hat gave a resounding “YES OF COURSE!” This all happened shortly after Hat declared that he was Atheist. Pretty, of course, is Spiritual. So being asked to officiate a wedding means something Spiritual to her.

Hat is being “ordained” by The Church of The Dude. Beautiful has expressed her delight at this. Since Amazing and Beautiful aren’t particularly Spiritual, and their wedding will be a quirky one (it’s going to be SO FUN) it fits with the motif. But Pretty is…well, she isn’t going to officiate anymore. When I asked her about it, Pretty told me that she hadn’t told the Bride yet.

Whaaaaaaaaaaa??? We are less than 2 months away from the wedding date, Hat and Pretty are still up as Curators/Officiants on the wedding website for Amazing and Beautiful! From the conversations I’ve been having with Pretty, she has NO INTENTION of telling them she’s not doing it! She says she told Hat to do it, and he whined “What am I supposed to tell them???” and she said to “tell them whatever” he wanted to tell them.

SO NOW I’m in a terrible position of knowing some pertinent information regarding the wedding of a dear friend, wanting to tell that dear friend but feeling like it would be out of order. I fully believe the dropping out responsibility lays squarely on the shoulders of Pretty and Hat; but I also am fairly certain that neither of them is going to suck it up and tell Beautiful and Amazing that Pretty won’t be officiating their wedding with Hat.

I’M SO CONFLICTED!! Do I tell Amazing and Beautiful what I know? Do I push Pretty to do so herself? (which is what I’d really prefer) Or do I push Pretty to push Hat to tell them himself???

In the end, does it really matter where the information comes from? Isn’t it more important that the Bride and Groom have the information so they can make changes to their wedding, if they choose to, before it’s too late??? 

A place I don’t want to be

Right between one of my best friends, Pretty and her husband Hat.

Hat is much younger than Pretty. Much muuuch younger, and unfortunately, that age difference is starting to really cause problems. Hat is 26, Pretty is 37. Yeah, it’s a big gap. It used to make me scratch/shake my head too, but she was happy and if anyone deserved happiness, it is Pretty.

The signs: Hat has a tendency to be selfish. Not just selfish, but short sighted and selfish. He doesn’t think ahead because, let’s just be brutal: he hasn’t gone through enough to give him the perspective he needs to not be short sighted! Yes, he is more mature than most of the dudes I used to lust after, and yes, Boyfriend is younger than I am (Boyfriend is 30, I am 36) so sometimes I do feel the age gap too. BUT THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME AND BOYFRIEND. It’s about Pretty and Hat.

Pretty and Hat were married last year, they passed the one year mark just a few months ago. But the trouble started right after the honeymoon. I wish that were a cliché, but it’s the truth. Pretty is not the kind to say when things are bothering her when they are bothering her, Pretty tends to stifle. She tends to bottle. She’s kind of professional at it by now. Hat is more “of the moment”, if something bothers him, he’ll bitch and moan and whine about it right then. Partly that’s good, it brings things up faster which means they are over faster (in my opinion!) unless you are bitching, moaning and whining to someone who is a stifler.

When he was having stress problems, she supported him when he decided to quit his job, thinking that he’d have a different job within a few weeks. Nope. Hat decided to mosey around, take some minimal work, take road trips, spend money out of the joint account that he never contributed to, while Pretty worked nearly 80 hours a week, busting her tail. After being suspended for 30 days from his minimal work (because he was late), Hat managed to FINALLY get a “regular” 40 hour job. AFTER NEARLY 7 MONTHS.

After two weeks, I would have said something. Pretty is not me. Pretty bottled. Pretty grit her teeth and smiled, thinking she was being supportive while cultivating a bitter little garden inside her. That started it all.

Suddenly she started feeling like a roommate, like a Mommy, like someone that Hat wanted to “take care of things” and pay for stuff. Then came the breaker.

Pretty has Faith, she’s not “churchy” but she’s believes. It’s not something she’s particularly vocal about, but if you meet her and have a conversation with her, you get that from her. Hat has never been particularly devout, he would say he believed in “something” but he “didn’t know what that was”.

Suddenly, Hat declared that he was Atheist. Again, perfectly fine. He’s allowed. It’s a free country, and part of having Faith is understanding that God gave us all free will. The problem is, he didn’t disclose this to Pretty before they were married. To her, this changes everything, combined with the treatment and the history; she finally came unglued.

Things have gone from bad to worse. They can’t stop fighting. Hat can’t stop saying asinine things like “I know how the Gays feel, I feel like I can’t be myself” and planning trips with his friends to distant cities while “forgetting” to pay simple things like the cable bill for months then objecting to Pretty taking control of the finances. Worse yet? Hat asks her for examples of when his behavior has made her feel less than or bad or unsupported then jumps down her throat for “bringing up things from weeks ago”.

It’s gotten to the point where I’ve stepped in. A few weeks ago, when shit was starting to hit all the fans everywhere, I offered the guest room of the house Boyfriend and I share. Boyfriend, bless him, additionally offered to have words with Hat, up to including smacking sense into him. “Open palm!” as if that would somehow reset Hat’s brain and make him see sense.

Well, tonight Pretty will be coming home to our house. For at least a few days. And I just had a lengthy text conversation with Hat. Which was dangerous because I’ve been desperate to unleash hell on him for MONTHS. In this text conversation, I tried to steer him towards what he needs to do, and how he needs to give Pretty time to process and pressing her and threatening her with ultimatums about ultimatums is going to backfire on him BIG TIME.

So tonight, instead of a quiet evening at home with Boyfriend, eating pizza and continuing our Smallville marathon; we’ll play host to Pretty, who will be gracious and exhausted and emotionally shattered. Boyfriend will want to smack Hat repeatedly with a shillelagh, I will want to let him.

But more importantly, I will be consoling my dear Pretty and assuring her that she has the strength she may not feel she has.

UPDATE: Apparently Pretty is going to “push through” the next few days  at home. She wrote Hat an email which is REALLY good and explains very plainly how she feels. I’m crossing fingers and saying prayers that he’ll be able to comprehend it.

Now I’m listening to Boyfriend as he warbles Sweet Caroline in the shower. I’m very lucky and very blessed and very happily in love with him.