A big box of nothing.

I gave Boyfriend his Christmas presents when he got home from work Christmas Eve morning and then again on Christmas morning.

I gave him a paw print ornament from Puppy (we made it together, she hated every second) and some shower stuff Christmas Eve. Then Christmas I gave him a couple movies and two new pairs of shoes that he was wanting.

He gave me nothing.

Technically, he gave me some Disneyland trading pins a few months back as they arrived, but those were because he thought I would like them (he’s been ridiculously into those damned pins). He claims that the stuff he ordered for Christmas haven’t arrived yet. Which means they are probably more damned pins.

I don’t collect pins.

I wanted an engagement ring. I want him to admit that he loves me so much that he’s over his other marriage and his problems with “the institution of marriage” and that he wants me to be his wife.

But that seems not to be.

I guess he did get me something for Christmas, a continued sadness that I won’t be getting to marry the man that I love and the complex that I’m not good enough for him. I know he feels bad that he had to go to work and leave me crying after we talked today, but you know what? Let him. If I have to live with the truth that he doesn’t want to be married (again) then he has to live with the truth that it hurts me and makes me sad.

It’s not right and it’s not fair but it’s the way it is. He’s not leaving me, I’m not leaving him. I just may remain unmarried in my lifetime. There are worse things. We have a life together and we love each other. The only things missing are engagement ring, wedding bands and a wedding.

Even though I know I deserve those things, I also know that I can live without them. And it looks like I will continue to do so.

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And sometimes he SUCKS!

Boyfriend got himself fired from his job. Not as big of a deal as you’d think considering he had an interview where 3 departments at the same place want him; so yeah, he got a new job already. He’s that good.

But that new job doesn’t really start until mid-July-ish. So Boyfriend took a trip to see his family. Very thoughtful, very nice.

However, he didn’t buy a return trip ticket. So I have no idea when he’s coming home.

This wouldn’t be such a big deal except the last time he took a trip like this, is when I found my father dead and my stepmother died.

So yeah, I’ve been heavily medicated for the last 7 days, trying to distract myself from the irrational fear that someone else is going to die on me and I’m going to be by myself again for it.

Stupid. It’s stupid.

I was under the impression that he was coming home Wednesday, he did not.

Father’s Day is Sunday. The first Father’s Day since my Dad died. I’m having a bit of a hard time with it. Combined with missing Boyfriend and PMS this is just a sh*t storm of emotions right now. But I can’t be that girlfriend who whines and cries and begs for Boyfriend to come home and be with me during my Emotional Tornado. I’m not that girl.

But I got tired of the anxiety and asked him outright if he was coming home before Sunday so I could mentally prepare myself to be alone. I tried to word it so he didn’t feel manipulated; frankly I wasn’t trying to manipulate him I was trying to figure and make my plan for the day so I don’t stay locked inside my house crying because I’m thinking too hard.

He’s going camping with his Dad.

And I’m jealous. I’m mad. I want to scream at him “YOU SUCK!” because he gets to do whatever he wants and I’m stuck here and I have to deal with this alone, again.

I’ll be fine, I’ll cry and be sad, but I’ll be fine. I’ll visit with Brother and possibly Baby Nephew at the cemetery. I know myself and I know I’m not headed for a breakdown.

But it sucks that he’s not hurrying home to be with me. I know. It’s really stupid of me to think that way. But it’s what’s going on in my noggin.

Progress?

Ok. Boyfriend and I talked some more later that week.

At the end, he stated “Marriage changes everything. I made the mistake and was pushed into marriage once, I’m not doing it again.” And  “I need to be ready and I don’t feel ready. But I will let you know when I am.”
I countered the first by saying “And is ALL change bad?”
“If you cut your hand on your knife, do you never touch that knife again? Or do you learn and change the way you cut?”
And finally “When though? Can you tell me what you need to make you sure? There are no guarantees in life, but it doesn’t stop you from living it.”
Then I went in for the big one, I looked him right in the face and asked “Can you live without me?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to?”
“No.”
“Ok so ask me the same questions.”
“Why don’t you just answer them yourself?”
“Because you need to ask them to really hear the answer.”
And of course I answered Yes and No, the same as he did.
Then I took a beat. Looked him right in the eye and asked “What more do you need, babe? Really. What more?”
And he got this look in his eye like he might tear up. So I hugged him and went to class.

I don’t know if it’s really progress or what, but it felt like a bit more progress.

I came unglued my landlord

I didn’t realize the rent still hasn’t been paid. My fault.
But he called and actually said “I have my wife here angry at me and a dog that can’t eat because of this.”
The level of bullshit is ASTOUNDING. My landlord runs an industrial property rental company. There is NO WAY that what he said was true.
He said it because I’m a girl and he knew it would get a rise out of me.
Well he got it.
I got right up in his face and SCREAMED. I unleashed everything. The anecdote about finding my father’s corpse being the end of my crescendo, that was what really slammed his mouth shut.
How dare he say something like that to me? How dare he try and play upon emotions when he wouldn’t have DREAMED of doing that with any of the professional tenants they deal with.
His dad, my original landlord was beside himself trying to get us both to calm down. Ultimately though, old guy sided with ME.
Younger landlord did not realize that today of all days was not the day to try for a Drama Off with me.

The end, again?

Pretty has been ignoring a major problem. Her “friend” isn’t in love with her the way she wants him to be. The way she acts like he is.

She helps him take care of his kid, she gives him emotional support when he needs it, she’s his backbone and his “best friend” when he asks. And sometimes when he doesn’t. She’s been setting herself up for some time now.

He’s a chicken. He’s afraid to be in a relationship, and all the buzzword filled nonsense that boys use when they are fucking a girl they don’t have romantic feelings for and don’t intend to have a relationship with.

She claims they haven’t been sexually intimate for months. But she forgets there are other ways of being intimate with someone. When you need a hug and a cuddle and can only sleep when they are next to you in bed? That too is being intimate, it feeds that need for connection and it can be more dangerous than just being a “fuck buddy”.

This “friend” was supposed to go to a Halloween party with Pretty. He never showed. Instead, he sent her a picture of himself at a rave (of all things) with another girl up on his shoulders with the caption “Well this happened”. And THEN, when Pretty told him she was upset, he had the nerve to ask her “Why??”

WHY?????? I mean, REALLY????

Pretty handled herself, well, like Pretty does. By stifling it down for a day or two, then randomly trying to constructively have an adult conversation. But she isn’t coming unglued at him, because she doesn’t want to “add to his stress”. However, her blood is boiling! Her feelings are hurt! And I totally get that!

I told her “you are NOT a punching bag or a stress ball he can pick up when he needs to relive some tension! You have every right to be angry and to pop off at him!” But she’s afraid to.

I’m really seeing similarities between “friend” and Hat, her ex-husband. Both of them are younger than she is, significantly, both have made messes they are trying to clean up in their lives and are very selfish in that they got involved with her when they had no right to.

But the same goes for her. During the most recent conversation, he told her “You can see other people too, you know that, right?” COMPLETELY MISSING THE POINT that SHE DOESN’T WANT TO! She WANTS to be in an actual relationship with him, but he has told her “I can’t handle a relationship”; it wasn’t a challenge, it was the truth! He can’t! But she’s ignored it and still fell into it.

So now what? Is she just going to be content feeling broken and used and sorry for herself? Is that her life now?? I’m worried that’s what she thinks! I try and buck her up, I try and challenge her to think things through and for herself, but right now, it’s not working. I think all I can do is be mad at him for her and let her wallow for now.

Giving French Dude the boot

Last week, Boyfriend let me know that French Dude was going out of town for a few days. “HOORAY! We get our house to ourselves for a few days!” was my reply.
And it was glorious, so comfortable and easy. I loved every second of it.
Until Saturday, Boyfriend and I came home from the movies to find that French Dude was home and in the shower.

Drat.
After his shower, standing in a towel, French Dude approached Boyfriend and they were chatting. I was in the kitchen, getting things together for another outing that Boyfriend and I were going on. When I heard Boyfriend raise his voice.
He never raises his voice.
“Wait, you took WHICH bag??? The leather one?!?!?!”
Now, Boyfriend has had this particular leather bag for 15 years, it was part of his graduation gift from the school he attended. This bag is an $800 bag. It’s a nice bag. When he was moving in, I went to swing it around or something and he stopped me in my tracks, explained how expensive and special this bag was and I immediately handed it to him because I didn’t want to ruin it.
French Dude had seen that bag, FULL OF STUFF MIND YOU, emptied it out (dumped everything on the floor) and took it as his own bag when he went out of town.

He never asked to use it. He never even hinted that he’d borrowed it. He had made the point to text Boyfriend to tell ME that he’d thrown out the Ant Bait that was in his room and closed the door so I wouldn’t have “anything to stress about”. (Ummm yeah, I told him 5 times to keep that door closed so Puppy couldn’t get in and mess with the ant bait since you know, it could kill her!! I had to go so far as to PUT A SIGN ON HIS DOOR for him to FINALLY start leaving it closed. Ugh, jerk.) But never did he mention that he’d taken the bag. If he had, Boyfriend would have told him to guard it with his life. Frankly, if he had ASKED Boyfriend would have told him NO YOU CAN’T USE IT, HERE’S 1871223 OTHER BAGS IN OUR HOUSE YOU CAN USE INSTEAD but no, French Dude saw that beautiful leather bag, thought it was “the perfect size” and took it.
And then, it got stolen from him because the dumbass put it into checked baggage at the bus terminal.
French Dude had the stones to say to Boyfriend, “yeah, the bag got stolen. But don’t worry, nothing of value of mine was in it. But yeah, that bag was yours.”

I almost exploded.

Boyfriend couldn’t even speak, he kept trying to walk away from French Dude, who kept chasing after him like a moron.
I started shrieking like a howler monkey. French Dude looked at us like we were turning purple with pink polka dots.
He kept saying, “Sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t know it would get stolen.”
I tried to hammer home, “Dude, YOU stole it FROM THIS HOUSE!”
He didn’t get it. He said “I didn’t know it had so much sentimental value.”
My voice got even more shrill, “IT HAD VALUE YOU JACKASS! IT WAS AN $800 BAG! And you didn’t even ASK if you could borrow it!!! That’s THEFT!”
It wasn’t until I started tabulating what he owned that would be equivalent to the dollar amount. His watch, his computer, BOTH of his suitcases (WHICH WHYYYYYYY DIDN’T HE TAKE ONE OF THE TWO SUITCASES HE OWNED?? Because THE LEATHER BAG WAS BETTER LOOKING, of course!) all the clothes, the shoes and all the cash in his wallet; and it still wouldn’t amount to what that bag was worth.
He still looked confused. I lost it.

I told him to get out. To get dressed, pack his things and leave.
He started to argue, “I need to make arrangements, I need time.”
I grabbed my phone and set the timer, “You have 10 minutes and then I’m going to start throwing your things out the front door.”
That seemed to wake him up.
He was still trying to follow Boyfriend around and appeal to him, but Boyfriend was too livid to even look at him.
I started throwing the food that he’d purchased into a bag, he told me “I don’t need it” I told him, “Then throw it away yourself, I want NOTHING of you in this house. You broke our trust, you stole from us. I NEVER want to be reminded of you.”
I took the terrible paintings he’d been working SO hard on, and piled them on top of his suitcases once he’d packed them and moved them into the living room. He said, “I can’t take those with me.” I told him, “Nobody here wants your terrible ‘art’.”
His hand was shaking when he handed me the key I’d made for him.
I was comprising an email to his mother, I did my best to keep my head, but I did tell her that we’d had so many problems with French Dude for so long, this theft was the last straw. We can tolerate a lot of things, but the blatant disregard for even the simplest amount of respect, NOT taking what ISN’T yours; it was too much and we couldn’t allow him in our house any longer, so at 10 days shy of him leaving the US and returning home, we had to boot him out.

When he handed me the key, I looked him straight in the face and said, “YOU did this. We trusted you and tried to help you, and you betrayed us. You better make DAMN sure your mother pays for that bag or I will have you arrested at the airport when you try to board your plane for home.”
And frankly, I intend to.
Boyfriend and I tried to find that bag again, it isn’t in production anymore. Which made it even worse for Boyfriend.
I found two other bags, ranging from $907 – $1,675 and sent the mother the link.
She’s agreed to pay, she’s actually tried to negotiate the price down, but Boyfriend is being adamant. He wants $1,000. I want $1,675, but it wasn’t MY bag French Dude stole.
OH AND I JUST FOUND THIS OUT, apparently Paypal has been taking $20 for conversion costs every month the mother has paid for French Dude’s rent, so WE’VE NEVER BEEN PAID THE FULL AMOUNT OF HIS RENT! Man, if Boyfriend weren’t insisting on the $1,000 I would be even more mad.

After French Dude left for the last time (I shut the door in his face after tossing a few things he’d left in the guest room on the ground at him, and told him, “NEVER come back here”) Boyfriend and I talked for a long time.
“THIS is what you were talking about the whole time.” he said to me, shaking his head.
I tried really hard not to say “I TOLD YOU SO” instead, I opted for “I’m sorry babe, I tried to tell you.”
I felt relief knowing I’d never have to see French Dude again. Boyfriend probably will feel some relief when/if the mother pays.
Boyfriend also waxed nostalgic about his own life, how his mom had to bail him out more than a couple times and how it really helped “kick him in the ass” and get himself together. My parents have had to do that for me too, it’s all a part of growing up.

*****

Update: She paid.
Now I feel better. Boyfriend can get a bag that’s close to the one that was stolen, but it won’t be the same. And it will break his heart every time he thinks about it.
After Boyfriend got the alert that French Dude’s mom had paid the full amount; he called his own mom and thanked her for all she’d done for him. Bailing him out and making him learn the lessons he needed to learn.
And yeah, I might have fallen in love with him even more than I already am.
I think I won’t fully relax until it’s past the date that French Dude departs the country. I’m not scared of retaliation, really. But I know I’ll feel better when I know he’s not anywhere near me, Boyfriend or our home.

MAKE the change

I suffer from depression. I’ve been a Prozac Princess for several years now, and not everyone wants to be medicated but you know what? It’s helped me and that’s all I can attest to.

It’s an option. It’s something to consider. It’s not the ONLY method of changing your life.

But you have to choose to change.

There’s a gal at the Cubicle Farm who always is in crisis mode. Not like MANIC CRISIS, but depressive crisis. There’s never anything good happening. Or if there is, it’s few and far between. 

Her 8 year relationship (the worst part? They BOTH work in my Cubicle Farm….UGH) has deteriorated past the point of reconcile. She’s allowed herself to become totally dependent on the guy, she doesn’t have a car or any other means of getting herself around anywhere. She doesn’t have any friends other than the people she can talk to at work, the others are on HIS side (even before there was trouble, they hated her) and make it really uncomfortable and in my eyes a hostile environment for her. The Managers at the Cubicle Farm are ineffectual at curtailing this behavior to the point that it feels like they just don’t give a shit. 

So yeah, she’s at a crossroads that she’s been at for A FREAKIN’ YEAR or TWO. She hasn’t been willing to do anything other than complain about her life. I have done my best to keep her at a distance, but she’s persistent! 

She’s planning on finally getting herself a vehicle and moving out. Good for her, right? Yes it is. Is she making noises that she wants to move into MY house with Boyfriend and me? YES SHE IS.

That’s not happening. I’m not having it. She’s far too much drama and unwilling to be active to change it. That’s one thing. 

Having terrible situations happen, it’s happens to everyone. It’s OK TO BE DEPRESSED OR WALLOW about it! I’m a true believer in a good wallow. But eventually, ya gotta get outta the bath!

You have to do something about your situation. You can’t just allow it to continue if you have a choice in the matter! Things that you CAN change and WANT to change, YOU SHOULD TRY TO CHANGE!

(I’m also not saying that it has to be done alone; but LEARN TO READ YOUR FRIENDS/SUPPORT TEAM. If you have come to understand that their lives are in a crappy spiral, don’t add your crap to their mix! That’s one lightening fast way to get yourself labeled as Toxic and cut off from their lives. Which is what I’m in the process of doing with this chick.)

There’s no guarantee you’ll successfully pull yourself out of whatever funk you’re in or whatever bullshit relationship or situation you find yourself in. But whatever terrible that is happening to you will never get fucking better if you don’t do anything to help yourself. 

That’s just science.