Damnit, Hat!

Text from Pretty:
I will not kill Hat. I will not kill Hat. I will not kill Hat.

My response:

Ohhhh Lord, what’s he done?

Pretty:

He refuses to pack anything unless I’m there to determine what belongs to whom.

My response:

…wow, Manipulation much?

Pretty:

He just texted me “This feels weird. This feels strange. I don’t know what to do.”

I mean REALLY DUDE??? HOW are you almost 28 years old and SUCH a soggy baby???? I reminded Pretty that she is NOT responsible for his feelings. She agreed. But REALLY DUDE??

“Honey? We have to put pants on!”

After a short but panicked text from Pretty “Hat knows I’m leaving him”, my Defender side kicked into high gear and I shouted at Boyfriend “Honey? We have to put pants on!” “I really want to kick this guys’ ass!!” grumbled Boyfriend, “He’s making me put on pants!!”

We’d been enjoying our “last” Naked Day (where we can walk around the house as naked as we like) for a while, when the inevitable happened. Pretty made it clear that Hat knew and was not taking it well.

Understatement. Apparently the big trouble had started the night before, but it was so late that Pretty just decided it was easier to check into a Motel 6 than wake us up and sleep in our guest room two nights early. Bless her. Hat started shrieking at her about how she’d unfriended all of “his” friends on Facebook (I know, right?? Gimme a break. She was just trying to make it easier on THEM, that way they won’t have to feel conflicted.), becoming completely unreasonable and unhinged. So no, she wasn’t staying there.

The next day, she had told Hat to meet her at the bank, when he showed she handed him a check for his half of the tax return and either had his name removed from the joint account or dissolved the joint account altogether. Ballsy move, and genius!! 

Right there, in the parking lot, he came unhinged on her, AGAIN. Bringing up the Facebook thing (seriously, I want to smack him) and asking “What will they THINK?? How does it look??” …um, dude, they’ll think you’re a douche. The end!

Finally it came out that she wasn’t going to be living there anymore and that she wanted a divorce. I think he actually made her say the words. Like a challenge, if she couldn’t say it, she couldn’t do it. Buddy, she said it! He then started in about therapy and how they could go through his insurance (FIRST TIME HE’S ACTUALLY OFFERED TO ORGANIZE AND PUT FORTH EFFORT, PEOPLE!) and when she told him she’d been in therapy for a month, Hat lost his shit.  I’m not certain exactly what he said to her, but it was enough to make her lose her hope of an “amicable” separation and divorce.

When she came to our house, she looked ok. She and I took 6 steps outside the door towards her car to bring in a load of stuff and she broke down. I stood there holding her, weeping into my shoulder for I don’t know how long. It was heart breaking. She couldn’t put it into words. It made me want to skin Hat alive, VERBALLY of course. I’m really not one for the physical violence, I swear!

After we unloaded and she was laying down on the guest bed. She recalled the past few encounters. Her face crumpled a couple times, but she held herself together. I made her a peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwich and insisted she nap. Which she did. Hard, and for several hours.

Did Hat try and reach out? I don’t know. I wanted to give her some time to decompress and relax. Something she hasn’t been able to do for some time in a safe space. It’s been awkward in her own home for over 8 months, Pretty is exhausted. She did tell me that she’d told him “I’m safe” on Wednesday when he’d texted her to find out where she’d gone. She had zero intention of telling him she was at the Motel 6 down the street from their apartment; and she had the same amount of intention in telling him she’s living with me and Boyfriend. I can understand and definitely respect that. 

When she and I were talking before her nap, I told her that now that they have their own separate abodes, giving Couple’s Counseling a shot might not be the worst idea. At least that way they can say they did it and maybe maybe something might click in Hat’s head and he’ll realize how arrogant, self centered, selfish, short sighted a prick he’s really been.

But I’m not holding my breath. 

Like a bra

Pretty has made up her mind and decided it’s time to put some physical space between her and Hat.

Pretty is going to leave Hat. 

I’m not sure he even knows yet. 

She’s coming to stay with Boyfriend and me starting Friday until probably the middle of September. She called me today and confirmed. 

I still wish Hat would pull his head out of his ass and try to fix this. But I don’t think he even knows what he’s really done. 

I’m supportive, like a bra. But I am sad, mostly pissed off really, at Hat. He’s completely wrecked his marriage and doesn’t even understand he’s done that. 

The worst is the martyrdom, the “persecution” he feels. It’s infuriating. How dare he compare his situation with the struggle of the LGBT community. It’s ludicrous and insulting. It points to just how immature he actually is.

So we’re going to play host to my best friend as she attempts an amicable “grown-up” divorce with a selfish, immature, self-centered prick.

 

I can’t say I didn’t offer

Hat is a douchebag.

I try, really hard to keep an open mind. But the man is a douchebag! I decided to text him and tell him I’d like to help him with his marriage to Pretty, one my longest and best friends; I told him that even Boyfriend would be willing to listen if that’s what he needs. I’m trying to help the dude! He caused a major rift in his marriage and isn’t doing the right things to fix it!! 

Pretty has started going to counseling, BY HERSELF, instead of both of them going to Marriage Counseling together. And while I’m glad Pretty is going at all, I really wish they had both decided to go! Hat needs to be told he’s acting like a selfish, short-sighted prick!!

Now, I wasn’t going to tell him that initially, when I offered to help him. I do want to hear his side of things, even though I know he’s wrong and a jerk and a douche. I want to hear his side so I can say I made a sound decision on which side I back. Though I already know I back Pretty, it’s just what best friends do. Even if she’s wrong, I’ll support her. I’ll tell her she’s wrong, but I’ll support her in her wrong-ness. 

But the douchebag declined!!! Can you believe him??? He actually said “It’s too complicated to answer that easily” when I asked him if things had improved between them after he thanked me for offering but that he was “okay”. I mean REALLY DUDE??? I talk to your wife daily, I KNOW what’s going on over there! 

GAH! Whatever, right? I mean, it’s not my marriage. But it’s Pretty’s and I want her to be happy. Which she really REALLY isn’t. And she’s thinking about an annulment (married under false pretenses) or a straight divorce. I wish Hat would wake up and realize HE NEEDS ALL THE HELP HE CAN GET if he doesn’t want one of those two outcomes. Who better to help him than the person she’s been best friends with for nearly 20 years??? (oooh oof I’m old)

A place I don’t want to be

Right between one of my best friends, Pretty and her husband Hat.

Hat is much younger than Pretty. Much muuuch younger, and unfortunately, that age difference is starting to really cause problems. Hat is 26, Pretty is 37. Yeah, it’s a big gap. It used to make me scratch/shake my head too, but she was happy and if anyone deserved happiness, it is Pretty.

The signs: Hat has a tendency to be selfish. Not just selfish, but short sighted and selfish. He doesn’t think ahead because, let’s just be brutal: he hasn’t gone through enough to give him the perspective he needs to not be short sighted! Yes, he is more mature than most of the dudes I used to lust after, and yes, Boyfriend is younger than I am (Boyfriend is 30, I am 36) so sometimes I do feel the age gap too. BUT THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME AND BOYFRIEND. It’s about Pretty and Hat.

Pretty and Hat were married last year, they passed the one year mark just a few months ago. But the trouble started right after the honeymoon. I wish that were a cliché, but it’s the truth. Pretty is not the kind to say when things are bothering her when they are bothering her, Pretty tends to stifle. She tends to bottle. She’s kind of professional at it by now. Hat is more “of the moment”, if something bothers him, he’ll bitch and moan and whine about it right then. Partly that’s good, it brings things up faster which means they are over faster (in my opinion!) unless you are bitching, moaning and whining to someone who is a stifler.

When he was having stress problems, she supported him when he decided to quit his job, thinking that he’d have a different job within a few weeks. Nope. Hat decided to mosey around, take some minimal work, take road trips, spend money out of the joint account that he never contributed to, while Pretty worked nearly 80 hours a week, busting her tail. After being suspended for 30 days from his minimal work (because he was late), Hat managed to FINALLY get a “regular” 40 hour job. AFTER NEARLY 7 MONTHS.

After two weeks, I would have said something. Pretty is not me. Pretty bottled. Pretty grit her teeth and smiled, thinking she was being supportive while cultivating a bitter little garden inside her. That started it all.

Suddenly she started feeling like a roommate, like a Mommy, like someone that Hat wanted to “take care of things” and pay for stuff. Then came the breaker.

Pretty has Faith, she’s not “churchy” but she’s believes. It’s not something she’s particularly vocal about, but if you meet her and have a conversation with her, you get that from her. Hat has never been particularly devout, he would say he believed in “something” but he “didn’t know what that was”.

Suddenly, Hat declared that he was Atheist. Again, perfectly fine. He’s allowed. It’s a free country, and part of having Faith is understanding that God gave us all free will. The problem is, he didn’t disclose this to Pretty before they were married. To her, this changes everything, combined with the treatment and the history; she finally came unglued.

Things have gone from bad to worse. They can’t stop fighting. Hat can’t stop saying asinine things like “I know how the Gays feel, I feel like I can’t be myself” and planning trips with his friends to distant cities while “forgetting” to pay simple things like the cable bill for months then objecting to Pretty taking control of the finances. Worse yet? Hat asks her for examples of when his behavior has made her feel less than or bad or unsupported then jumps down her throat for “bringing up things from weeks ago”.

It’s gotten to the point where I’ve stepped in. A few weeks ago, when shit was starting to hit all the fans everywhere, I offered the guest room of the house Boyfriend and I share. Boyfriend, bless him, additionally offered to have words with Hat, up to including smacking sense into him. “Open palm!” as if that would somehow reset Hat’s brain and make him see sense.

Well, tonight Pretty will be coming home to our house. For at least a few days. And I just had a lengthy text conversation with Hat. Which was dangerous because I’ve been desperate to unleash hell on him for MONTHS. In this text conversation, I tried to steer him towards what he needs to do, and how he needs to give Pretty time to process and pressing her and threatening her with ultimatums about ultimatums is going to backfire on him BIG TIME.

So tonight, instead of a quiet evening at home with Boyfriend, eating pizza and continuing our Smallville marathon; we’ll play host to Pretty, who will be gracious and exhausted and emotionally shattered. Boyfriend will want to smack Hat repeatedly with a shillelagh, I will want to let him.

But more importantly, I will be consoling my dear Pretty and assuring her that she has the strength she may not feel she has.

UPDATE: Apparently Pretty is going to “push through” the next few days  at home. She wrote Hat an email which is REALLY good and explains very plainly how she feels. I’m crossing fingers and saying prayers that he’ll be able to comprehend it.

Now I’m listening to Boyfriend as he warbles Sweet Caroline in the shower. I’m very lucky and very blessed and very happily in love with him.