And the Xanax just kicked in

Boyfriend and I had a day long conversation about weddings and marriage yesterday.

It did not go the way I would’ve liked.

We started dialogue about compromise; but frankly. I don’t want to feel like I’m having to force him into a wedding that he absolutely does not want. He has issues with the concept of marriage; and with his first marriage, the baggage got worse.

She forced him. No not with a gun to his head, but still. It’s true.

He has always had issues with the concept and has been against weddings, mainly because of his industry and he sees the greed and ugly side of weddings every month, multiple times. Being that I used to also work in an adjacent industry, I totally get it.

I can’t remember what he said exactly, but it was something like “I already stood up and made a vow to link my soul to another person and that vow was broken. I’m not doing that again.” Trust and believe me when I say it wasn’t him that broke it. But still, I understand what he’s saying. The guilt he feels is further adding fuel to his argument.

He says that if it doesn’t matter, then we should elope/use a courthouse. That’s something I don’t want.

But I may have to give up any ideas on having a wedding that I think suits the two of us, works in a budget that isn’t sky-high but is lovely and celebrates who we are as people and as a couple. It makes me really sad. Miserable, actually. And that bothers me on a couple levels. I pride myself on not being superficial, and get excited about finding the best deals on anything, so planning a wedding that works would’ve been really fun for me! But it’s looking like that’s definitely not going to happen and I have to accept it.

I cried the majority of yesterday. In the shower, apparently the dog could hear me crying and wanted to come in and find out what the heck was wrong with me, so that’s how Boyfriend knew I was still upset. It’s not his fault. Really, it’s not. It’s me making myself sadder and sadder.

What I really want is to be his wife. It shouldn’t matter how that happens. If it means that I have to get married at a courthouse in regular clothes, then it shouldn’t be that big of a deal.

I sent my Mom a lengthy text this morning, she was the one who I was worried about getting upset the most. She texted back saying that she doesn’t like it, but she understands. I can’t help but feel like I disappointed her. I’m gipping her of the chance to see her only daughter have a wedding. I feel like I’m gipping myself! But what else can I do???

I’m disappointed, of course. But frankly, I’d rather do what makes him comfortable and get past any sadness I feel.

Sigh. I just really wish he could be happy about the idea of it. But he can’t. He just can’t. It’s not my fault, but I’m the one paying for the emotional damage. I love him, all of him, damage included. That’s what I mean. I’m not going to fix it, it’s his to fix. But I love and accept him and want to grow as people together.

That’s the bottom line. And I’ve finally stopped crying ‘cuz the Xanax just kicked in. So, there’s that…

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