Last night Boyfriend asked if he could borrow my car to go to a work party. No big deal, I happily obliged under the condition that he not be home “too late” to which he joked, “Ok, so 4am not 6am”. Mildly amused, I said “Better not be home at 6am, I have to leave for work at 5:50am so…there ya go!” We laughed, he left. Eventually I went to bed.
In the middle of a disturbing dream where, at a party, I was being chased by Ryan Reynolds (normally, that wouldn’t be disturbing, but for some reason he was chasing me to explain how he’d been wronged in relationships and I just wasn’t interested, Ryan Reynolds! We’re at a party!) I awoke with a start and realized it was 2am. I reached over beside me and only felt Puppy, no Boyfriend. I pouted.
I called Boyfriend. I texted Boyfriend. No response. I started checking the police blotter LIKE YOU DO WHEN YOU’RE FREAKING OUT and couldn’t find any evidence of any accidents or arrests (tangent: found lots of burglary reports from the last few days, made me double check the house was locked tight) in any of the areas that Boyfriend might have been in or traveling through.
1st hour goes by. I’m trying to remain calm. I keep calling and texting sporadically.
2nd hour goes by: I’m in full blown freakout mode. I’m forming plans, I’m looking up recently dialed/incoming numbers from the records on our mobile account and deciding which ones I’m going to text AT 4 IN THE MORNING because DAMMIT, SOMEBODY must know where Boyfriend and my car are!
4:06 am; I text two numbers that I think are related to his work: I’m so sorry, I’m looking for *Boyfriend’s name*. This is his girlfriend. He hasn’t come home yet and I’m worried.
One replies back kindly, stating that they didn’t know where he was and that everyone left around the same time from the work party and that it was ok that I had contacted them. I felt really bad about sending the texts; but I was freaking out man!
It dawns on me: Maybe Boyfriend is out in the parking lot asleep in my car! Maybe I should have checked the parking lot before sending the texts to strangers…but oh well, it’s too late now. I leave Puppy in the big warm bed and go out to see if I can spot my car in the lot. At first I have no luck. I’m still panicking. But then, I go to the “special” parking area (two prime spots nearer to our house than any others in the lot, seriously, they are a HOT commodity with our neighbors) and LO AND BEHOLD, there’s my car. And laying down in the driver’s seat, Boyfriend.
My initial reaction was one of relief. And then came the fury. Ohhhh boy; the fury was HOT, guys. I marched right up to the passenger side window and BANGED on the doorframe (in order to cause maximum rumbling throughout the vehicle) and hissed, yes hissed “Are you SERIOUS right now??”
Boyfriend sat up with a start and started hooting. Yeah, you read that right. Hooting. I’ve learned that when Boyfriend is startled awake, he hoots. Like a trombone. If I hadn’t been so pissed off, I would have laughed.
After confirming that he saw me and realized how much trouble he was in and I don’t care if he’s confused, he’s in major trouble, I turned on my heel and headed back to the house. Crying an ugly cry. I was so angry and relieved that he was ok but SO ANGRY was winning on the Emotions Scale. I stood at the kitchen sink trying to slow my heart rate by taking long sips of water and sobbing into a paper towel.
And Boyfriend still wasn’t in the house.
I started getting irritated. Was I going to have to go out there again??? Yes. Yes I was. When I headed back out to see what the hell is taking so long, I saw Boyfriend doubled over some shopping bags. Apparently he’d stopped at the 24 hour Walmart and picked up some groceries before he’d headed home and passed out in my car in the f*cking parking spot. Disoriented, he’d dropped some and was having trouble picking them up again.
Again, if I weren’t so furious, I would have laughed.
I helped him pick up some stuff while I hissed at him some more about how dare he do this to me, and I hope your happy, I had to text strangers to see if you were dead etc. Boyfriend mumbled “Are you done yelling at me?” …normally, this is a joke that we share. I ask him something or tell him something and he’ll mock-whine “Stop yelling at me!” and it’s funny.