Ready to be Ready

My Valentine’s Day was…what it was. 

Boyfriend had to work, no biggie. But bless him if he didn’t call me to tell me he’d forgotten his wallet at home when he went to get my “present”. I laughed and told him “if it’s themed it’ll be 50% off tomorrow! Score!”

I took the time to do my hair and makeup and we went out with plans to go to karaoke. 

First, we went to the wrong place. Same name, wrong location. Since we’d already ordered dinner, we finished there and went to the right place.

Boyfriend was on the phone with one of his sisters, not having a great conversation. Kinda put the “pfffft” in the night. His phone battery died, so I gave up my battery so if he needed to continue his conversation via email or text or actual call, he could.

I should have known better. Instead of communicating with his sister; he eBay’d. For a full 15 minutes I sat across from him, ignored. It wasn’t until I took out my iPod Touch and took a PICTURE of him fully engrossed in his phone that he realized I was annoyed. I told him, “I gave you my battery because I love you and I want you to be happy; but I didn’t think you would IGNORE me!” My tone was light hearted, but I’m sure my face gave me away.

He tried. He tried to bring his mind back from wherever he was brooding. But it wasn’t working. He was bored and wanted to leave. So we did.

On the way home, I started feeling incredibly alone in the car. I haven’t felt that feeling in a while. I cried exactly two tears. Boyfriend was, once again, too involved in his phone to notice. 

When we got home, I texted an awesome friend of mine, Awesome, about it. Awesome was having a hard night too, we both whined a bit and she reminded me that I’m not the kind of person to just sit by and NOT say something. So I did. 

I went out into the living room where Boyfriend was AGAIN ON HIS F*CKING PHONE and said “Ok, are you just needing to be left alone ‘cuz you don’t want to be bugged or are you ignoring me on purpose?” He started and said, “No no, you can come bug me” and then he looked at my face. Finally. He could see that I was upset.

We started talking. Again, I’m an ass and brought up the marriage thing. The discussion got intense in parts.

Here’s my bottom line: I want him to be true to himself, his gut feelings. But I also have to be true to my gut feelings. And while his gut and my gut aren’t on the same page; we’re going to have a problem! 

He is against marriage. He doesn’t want to “rush” anything. (Hello, he moved in within a TWO MONTHS of our relationship starting.) He didn’t want to marry his ex in the first place and he ended up doing just that and it was lousy. However, even if his ideal fantasy woman showed up and said “LET’S RUN AWAY AND GET MARRIED!” He claims that he would say “Yes to the first, NOPE to the second!” So NO, it’s NOT me…

And yet…it’s me. That’s what’s so hard. I am ready to be ready to be married. I am ready to have him want to marry me. NOT READY TO HAVE A WEDDING, but I’m ready to wear an engagement ring and plan and dream about our future which will look SUSPICIOUSLY EXACTLY LIKE OUR LIVES RIGHT NOW AND THAT’S WHAT I WANT. 

I explained how I was initially disappointed with myself for feeling disappointed at the max budget he would spend on an engagement ring; BUT how PROUD I was that I reaffirmed my Low-Maintenance-Girl status and relieved that I wasn’t actually shallow because I found rings that PERFECTLY fit my personality and are WELL within HALF the max of his max budget. I also explained that I was excited that I’d been proud and that’s why I’d wanted to tell him right away.

I tried to explain further that when I think about a future, and I think about us married, I feel SO HAPPY and SO EXCITED that I just want to talk to someone about it, but not just any somebody…HIM!! He’s the one I want to talk to about this stuff!! When I think about being his wife, I get these warm fuzzy happy feelings that fill my entire body up! And how NICE it must be to know that I feel that way about him, and imagine how I feel when I hear he doesn’t want to marry…me. I mean, wow.

I also told him that as far as paying for stuff? Dude, part of the FUN for ME is going to be figuring out HOW we can cut as much money out as possible! I HATE paying full price for stuff, it feels like you’ve lost! But getting great deals on things, WHOA BABY, TALK ABOUT SCORE!

But the main thing I realized is that I’m ready to be ready to be married to him. During the conversation, we both agreed that we LIKE this relationship; it’s easy! It’s the best functioning relationship I’ve ever had, that’s for damn sure. Neither one of us is willing to walk away from the other. 

Hell, I told him “Look how hard I’m fighting for us when there is no real problem! Think about how hard I would fight if there was!” 

I just know we work, and we’ll work married. I just really hope he opens that door more than just a crack.

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