The $ is not your worth

But hearing the words “I wouldn’t spend more than $1,000″ when I asked Boyfriend how much his max budget would be for an engagement ring for me; I must say, it stung a little.

Needless to say, the conversation spinning out from there with Boyfriend using the words “I’m not sure I even want to get married again, I didn’t want to get married the first time and that wound up a disaster!” I nearly melted into the floor. I wanted to breathe out and never breathe in again. YES, it was a dramatic feeling!

After talking about it, it’s the money. He’s worried about the $. Which, given his current stress about money, makes perfect sense. But even so, he would rather buy a house than have a wedding.

I’m not ok with that. I’ve never been married before, it’s never truly been something I really wanted or envisioned for myself before I met Boyfriend. It’s important to me to be his bride. 

I want the chance to wear THE dress, to have THAT moment in the bridal shop where I step out of the dressing room and see myself in the mirror and KNOW I’m a bride. And I’m not talking about a pricey dress either, I’ve been maxing my dresses for a max of $500 and I’ve found SO MANY my Pinterest board is looking crazy.

The ring. That’s been a bit of a dream because I didn’t know how much I was “worth” to him. To hear him but a limit, which isn’t fair because I asked him and he answered; well it felt a little lowball. I was surprised at myself to find out that I was disappointed in the low sounding figure. 

But then I went back on Pinterest (bless that amazing time waster!) and did a search and found AMAZING rings! The majority of the rings available on AMAZON.COM of all places!! Or Gemvara.com (oh they have so many options it’s crazy!) and the ones that I liked the best didn’t even go past $600, which made me really proud of myself! I was able to look internally and say, “I’m not worth a dollar amount, my taste is different and I’m not terribly hard to please. I’m NOT a spoiled brat!” Because I was starting to reevaluate my view on myself, I’ve always prided myself in being a “Low Maintenance” dame. And seeing those choices brought me back to myself.

Even after all the drama, when Boyfriend came home and was much calmer and back to his loving self; I asked if I could show him the rings I’d found that were way below his max. It was hard to gauge his reaction, but I was proud of myself and proud to show him the options I’d found.

What worries me is the lack of desire to marry me he voiced. I don’t want him to be feel “forced” again. I want him to want to marry me.

It’s not time to panic yet, but it was a stressful day.

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