I get it.
Boyfriend falls asleep at his sisters’ house. it’s not that weird. But when he doesn’t at least let me know where he’s at, or whatever, it bugs.
It more than bugs. It hurts my feelings.
It means he’s forgotten me. And I’m not ok with that.
I don’t need to give “permission” for anything, he’s a grown man and can do as he pleases. But forgetting me? Not acceptable.
I have a hard time sleeping, it’s worse when he’s not there. Non-existent if he’s been radio silent for 8 f*cking hours. I worry! The dog worries! Or rather, she tosses and turns and walks on my face and can’t seem to get comfortable because I’m having trouble getting comfortable.
Regardless, this morning was hard. I knew he had gone and hung out with his sister, so when he didn’t come home I figured he was crashing on her couch. Which was the case I eventually learned. But I was still angry and hurt.
When I finally just called his phone instead of sending a third text of “UM ARE YOU ALRIGHT I’M FREAKING OUT” and it rang, with each ring I got more furious. If it had gone straight to voicemail it meant that his phone died, that’s a workable excuse and can be easily understood. But it rang.
When he answered, all I said was “oh good, you’re alive, I’ll talk to you later” and abruptly hung up. I simply didn’t want to hear anymore than confirmation that he wasn’t in a ditch.
He texted me his excuse, he’d fallen asleep waiting for his phone to charge, plausible but still…I’M STILL MAD! I told him as much, to which he replied “Don’t hate me :(“. I couldn’t help it, I told him that I was too angry at the moment and I was turning my phone off for awhile.
That was nearly 6 hours ago and I’m still mad! Not boiling over mad, but still upset.
Naturally because I am who I am, I keep thinking, “What am I doing wrong that makes him forget me? Am I being a bad girlfriend? Am I not paying him enough attention? What can I do to fix whatever it is that is the problem?” And THAT, my dear readers, is bullshit.
I didn’t do anything wrong! I’m not a bad girlfriend, I’m an excellent girlfriend and an excellent person. I’m doing what I can to shrink those thoughts down to fluff and shoo them away. But that’s what’s under the surface of my anger. Self-Doubt and Insecurity. But that’s not Boyfriend’s fault, that’s my emotional baggage. Well, not so much baggage anymore as Emotional Gym Bag. I’ve been improving so much that my baggage is lighter now than it’s ever been. It’s nice.
However, when things like THIS happen, I feel myself picking them up again and that’s just not what I want. I feel like I’m the one who’s going to have to “get over” this and accept it. But I’m not going to without a fight. Which is a terrible thing to say, really. I don’t know how to handle it other than just talking to him about it, again.