Boyfriend is shy. His shyness is thin like paper, and once you’ve broken through, you’re good.
But still. He’s shy. He doesn’t make friends easily like I do. I can walk alone into a party of strangers and make friends within 3 minutes. It’s just in my nature. For Boyfriend, he could sit in the corner of a bar by himself and people watch all night, and if he never got up to get a drink, nobody would know he was there. Needless to say, he doesn’t really have many friends. When we wind up getting married, he’s probably going to have to borrow from my pool of friends to fill out the his side of the Bridal Party.
Even knowing this, when I saw the OK Cupid! notification come up on his phone, I panicked.
My own baggage came bursting forth, feelings of Abandonment and Betrayal waved their hands at me and demanded to be addressed. After the initial “WHY IS THAT ON YOUR PHONE???” wail, I walked from him and into the bathroom to shower and presumably cry.
I sniffled. I blinked. But I didn’t cry. The tears weren’t there. They weren’t there because my gut told me, “There’s nothing to worry about. There’s an explanation.” I turned to Abandonment and Betrayal and faced them with my gut feelings, and waited for them to respond. I realized that they were very old feelings, more like ghosts. They didn’t have substance or fire like they used to.
After I got out of the shower and dressed. I stood in the kitchen, trying to decide how to talk to Boyfriend. Finally I just blurted out “I’m trying to decide if I’m upset.”
“I can tell. You should talk about it with me.” stated Boyfriend, as if telling me ‘The sky is bigger than you can see’.
So we did talk. I didn’t go into detail about my old ghosts, but I merely told him they had caught my attention.
He then explained about how there’s an option for “Just looking for friends” that’s always been on his old profile for that site. Now, the Snark in me scoffed and wanted to retort “Yeah, but those are the F*&k friends, not actually friends” but I could tell by the look on his face, he actually thought and used the site to meet people. Because of his shyness, it was easier for him to create a profile and let people find him. That it had been over a year since he’d even talked to anybody on it and he’d forgotten he had it.
He started to offer to remove the app from his phone, I stopped him cold. I told him, “I love you, I trust you. You say you used it to meet new people and make friends, I believe you. You don’t have to explain further. My panic was mine, it’s not yours to take on. I have things that I need to work on, and one of those is feeling like I need to be more or do more for you because I might not be enough.”
Before I could finish my thought, he stated plainly “You have nothing to worry about.”
And the old ghosts completely disappeared.