I suffer from anxiety and depression.
Over the years, becoming a Prozac Princess, having a kickass therapist and staggering my days off randomly have helped keep me from having to call out sick from The Cubicle Farm because I simply could not leave my bed.
It sounds silly. It sounds like I’m making it up. But there were days where I couldn’t leave my bed. I would force myself to run to the bathroom on tippy-toes and back again because peeing my bed was not something I would accept from myself. But other than that, I never set foot outside nor left the sanctuary of my bedroom.
I just couldn’t. Physically and mentally. It was all just too much. I couldn’t move, I suffocated under the weight of my own thoughts and fears about everything. It wasn’t all about me, I worried about my family, my friends, the homeless man down the street at the gas station (Was he getting enough to eat and drink?), impending earthquakes, starving people everywhere, what creatures lived in my carpets. I would work myself up into such a lather that the only thing I could do was close my eyes and sleep. Sleep as long as I could. Sleep until my hips and back ached because I had been horizontal for 20 hours.
It’s impossible to explain to someone who’s never felt like it before. Who’s never had it consume them to the point where they are afraid to do anything awake. Because if I’m sleeping, I won’t do something emotionally driven or hurt someone (emotionally, of course). For me, there’s never been a time where I wanted to do actual physical violence to someone, my words are my daggers when it comes to others. But the thought of hurting the feelings of someone I care about or even a stranger would make me want to sew my own mouth shut or shut myself in my bedroom and never come out.
It took some time, it took some medication and relying on my sense of Logic. It also took an immeasurable amount of Faith. But I haven’t called out from The Cubicle Farm in over a year.
To celebrate, I’m taking a Vacation Day tomorrow and spending the day or as much of the day as I can, in bed with Boyfriend.
I told him I just wanted the day off to spend with him, and it’s true; but it’s also true that I’m celebrating my life and the victory over a massive mental obstacle I wasn’t sure I’d ever achieve.
I’m also probably going to do some laundry, but you get the picture 🙂