He let me win, and I had a Panic Attack

Yesterday Boyfriend and I were playing around on the couch, completley innocent, when he accidentally smacks my face.

WELL IT WAS ON!! We got into a full blown Mock-Slap War! Giggles and struggles abounded. Even Puppy got in on the action! I swear, she was attacking Boyfriend to “protect Mommy”…Yeah, she’s my little ninja assassin!

As tension mounted, Boyfriend managed to get up off the couch and run out to the patio. I poured myself a small glass of water and walked out as well.

After one sip, I flung the entire contents of the glass onto the face of Boyfriend. Then RAN LIKE HELL to the back room, ugly-laughing and expecting the worst.

Nothing happened. He took his shirt off, wouldn’t look at me. Wouldn’t make a face. Wouldn’t speak to me. I kept laughing, mostly out of nerves because I knew something was coming. It HAD to be coming!

Still, nothing. The quiet was startling. I started to panic. Now, to a normal person, this wouldn’t be cause to spark a full blown panic attack. I’m not one of those normal people. 

I start to shake. I come close to him, now sitting back on the couch, still not looking or speaking to me. “I’m sorry” I quietly say, then a bit louder. “Babe, I’m sorry”. Nothing. His teeth were clenched, he eyes were squinted. I was losing it inside.

The tears burst out of my face. I happen to suffer from a severe case of Splotchy Tomato Face when I cry. Somehow the skin on my face swells and loses all regular skin-like tendencies; it’s atrocious and alarming to look at.

Finally, Boyfriend looks at me and reads that I’m in the beginning stages of a Panic Attack. He speaks “It’s fine. It’s over but it’s fine” (meaning the War we’d been having, but my awesome panic brain naturally heard “IT’S OVER YOU SUCK YOU’RE THE WORST NO WONDER I DON’T COME HOME TO YOU SOMETIMES I HATE YOU YOU TERRIBLE FAT AWFUL PERSON!!!” So no, my Panic Attack kept on.) I left the room and went to lay down, but it was too late, I was sobbing. Completely beside myself. The Demon Doubt had stoked the fire and my brain was no longer huggling the Logic.

Choked by guilt and thirst, I went into the kitchen again to drink something, but when the water hit my tongue it turned my stomach and I nearly vomited into the sink. He asked if I was ok, because he loves me and is a normal-ish human and when I responded with a soggy “…No” insisted I come sit with him on the couch.

I cried into his now bare chest (hubba hubba) and told him that I loved him and that I was really sorry but I didn’t really grow up with siblings (Brother and Little Brother aren’t blood) so I don’t know how to row like he does (Boyfriend has an older brother and two younger sisters) without going full out. 

Boyfriend blinked a couple times and stroked my hair, kissed my head and said “It’s ok, I had started to plot terrible things in my head and had to stop myself because I love you”

So yeah, he let me “win” but in doing so inadvertently caused me to freak out.

We’re pretty perfect together, I must say.

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