I can smell it from here

My father is on the upside of Money. My father is an Alcoholic. Only in the technical sense. He got a DUI a couple years ago (blew 3 times the legal limit on a sunny and clear Monday 10am morning, he was weaving around the road so badly an off duty officer called it in then waited at the post office parking lot where my dad had pulled in, for the On Duty Officers to come and perform the breathlyzer and roadside tests and arrest him) after the initial arrest, he showed up at court mandated meetings completely drunk and they revoked his probation, it was a big mess that he created himself and he wrote checks to the court for $15K, is the bottom line. He still denies he’s got a problem, even though he takes vicodin with gin or vodka or whiskey. At 6 in the morning…

Anyway, we have a weekly call, 5pm on Sundays. I never miss calling him, though he tends to let it go to voicemail. What’s worse? He lives no more than 5 miles from me and I don’t visit. I can’t bring myself. I can’t see the bottles of pills, the bottles of booze, the obvious signs that he hasn’t showered in weeks. I can’t take it. I let him know how unacceptable these things are. I yell, I cry, I make a scene. He doesn’t love that. He shuts down, he tells me to leave. So it’s safer for both of us and our tenuous relationship if we just communicate on the phone. Email works too, but since it’s harder to gauge his Drunk Level via email, I prefer the phone. 

I got off the phone with him today, and he’s dropping hints that he wants me to start looking for houses for Boyfriend and I to move in to. He must be feeling “generous” because I’m the only one who really still speaks to him. Brother can’t deal with him anymore, it’s really complicated but I totally understand that. 

So it’s up to me to try and deal with him. And while the thought of “Ok cool, he’s going to try and give me a house” it also means he’s feeling like he’s going to die soon. Which scares me to bits. It means he’s giving up. It means he’s not fighting. It also means that he’s been day drinking again, to deal with the pain in his body. It also certifies that he has ceased being my Dad and turned another corner into someone I don’t recognize. 



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